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What follows is an accounting of
the events that transpired on 03/31/05 during a road ride. The mass
media refers to this occasion as the Descent Du Paul. Although most
of the media coverage was well written, I have compiled an accurate
version that is aided by the fact that I was nowhere in the vicinity
of the incident, indeed I was not even in the same state that the
incident occurred, nor do I have any inkling of an idea what I am
talking about. As always, fair and balanced reporting, we are truly
looking out for you.
The Silence of the Lambs ride
started much like it normally would on March 31st of
2005, with a band of merry riders gearing up for the ride out. With
colorful riding gear and even more colorful nicknames, it was just a
typical ride on a typical day.
Mary
(Black Widow),
Bob (Slingshot),
Dan (Nuclear
Dan), Paul
(Howdy Doody), Grant (Deep Throat ), Humberto (Bastard Emeritus),
and Bruce (Brand New Bruce) are the names of the participants in the
events that unfold, among others to be introduced as they appear in
the chain of events.
During the normal ride out Mary
was heard to say in no uncertain terms “I am going to make you
all wish you had stayed home.” With no heed to these words,
Paul
quickly moves to the front and pulls the group up Route 32. Now we
see Bob slip into his normal mode of passing everyone on the down
hills despite his losing some of his traditional advantage due to
having left 20 some odd pounds in Florida over the winter. Clearly
everyone at this point is using their own unique skills to jockey
for position, or merely maintain position in some cases.
Just short of Heart Attack
Hill Paul started to pull, and it was seen that Grant and
Nuclear Dan followed suit almost immediately. It is during this leg
that a pact was made between Mary and Grant to box
Paul. It
is only assumed that Grant could have no way of knowing the hazards
of making any deals whatsoever with the Black Widow. It was also
around this pivotal point that Humberto decided to ditch the pack
and ride his own program, turns out to have been a fine course of
action in accordance with the fact that much later Humberto linked
up with Bruce who had become lost due to a wrong turn and saved him
from a fate worse than being dropped. Whether or not Humberto or
Bruce were aware of the pact between Mary and Grant remains to be
seen, had I been aware of the pact I would have bailed, but I wasn’t
even there.
Upon cresting Heart Attack
Hill Mary, Paul, and Grant slow up to await the arrival of Bob.
It is on or about this time that Paul is formulating a maneuver that
will etch the Descent Du Paul into the history books. A
maneuver that will be so unexpected and dangerous that successfully
pulling it off will forever earn him accolades and titles that are
too numerous to list. Failure of the maneuver could prove
devastating, but of course all great maneuvers must have dire
consequences upon failure.
On the downside of Heart Attack
Hill passing Bull’s on the Corner the pack rolls on to a
little nondescript hill that rises to a right turn and then into a
downhill. This is a usual spot for Bob to make a run at the
downhill and hammer everybody. This particular spot on the course,
going into the uphill, is also a time when Mary’s normal tactic is
to take a run at the hill. Mary used to do this just to stay with
the ride and the tactic itself has now become a habit. Regardless of
the reasons for Mary’s sprint at this point the pack rolls into the
sprint right along with her, as is their habit.
Bob is not used to being this
tight with the pack here, so moving to the side he watches as the
sprint goes full blown. Mary is full steam now with Grant on her
left rear, Paul sits on the right rear of Mary, and Dan is following
right behind Paul.
Now, back to the maneuver that
Paul had formulated in his head. The maneuver entailed passing Mary
on the right and propelling himself to victory. The fatal flaw with
the plan was ‘passing on the right’ and ‘victory’. No one passes
Mary without paying a price, and picking up a sprint behind Mary can
only achieve a limited amount of success in most cases and earn
Mary’s anger in all cases.
So it happened that in
Paul's
moving to pass Mary on the right, he also managed to put his bike
off the road without a hope in hell of putting it back on the road
in any acceptable upright fashion. Paul moved fully into his
impromptu maneuver completion and looked a whole lot like a man in
the fetal position getting ready to contact terra firma in a
microsecond, with a road bike thrown in for good measure. Which in
fact describes the case exactly. With Dan in full sprint behind
Paul, it
was only natural that Dan would ride right over top of Paul and
immediately begin planning the various details of his own
attempt at survival. As Mary heard the distinct sounds of metal and
human making contact with each other and earth, she naturally
grabbed the break, thus enabling Grant to swerve around Paul’s now
jumbled cranium and collide with her own rear parts as well as her
bike.
Paul
certainly wound up with the worst case scenario, as is evidenced by
his knuckles and knee that went way past the point of just road
rash—way past. Fortunately shock begins to set in, and
Paul
nods and mumbles incoherently. Dan picks himself up with an obvious
re-injury to his wrist of a thousand badgers, while Grant is pulling
his bike and self together.
As luck would have it, other than
the luck of everyone in the middle of the road resembling a crash
site, Emille was just leaving his house for a ride of his own and
took on the job of transporting
Paul to
the hospital, but first he secured Paul’s bike in his garage.
During transportation to the hospital
Paul got
busy selling Emille a new Serotta, proving handily that salesmen pay
little attention to synapses that are firing painful messages, in
fact pay little attention to synapses firing anything, but will
continue to do what they do whenever they have a chance to do it.
Paul is
a hero, even in the aftermath of a failed maneuver that made some of
his ligaments visible to the outside world, he seized the
opportunity and conducted business.
Paul
secured for himself a ride out this mess, picked up some prospective
business, and let the rest of the merry band of riders hump it back
to his place on their own.
Kudos to Mr. Peckerhead. |