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American Road Cycling Chatter Box

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Ryan Muehlbauer - First World Record 6:23 (Crackhead Ryan) Frank Wolfe - First ever "I Puked On Kain Award" Joe Straub - World Record 5:40.79 (TP) Glenn Babikian - 6:37 (Pretty Boy) Humberto Cavalheiro - 6:54.97 (Turtle Boy) Mary Endico - 8:29 (The Black Widow) Kain Cup holder Crackhead Ryan (04/19/11)
Bob Fugett - 9:57 (SlingShot)
Kain Assault Hall of Fame
[ - the course - ]
-------------------------

"If you can't say anything good about somebody,
you probably know them pretty well."
-
SlingShot

This page is not for trash talk. Since you know the person, just tell the truth. The truth will look enough like trash talk to be indistinguishable from it. Be aware that this is a moderated site. Bad language and defamatory comments may be cause for removal. If SlingShot feels your submittal is not defamatory enough, or your language is too circumspect, your comment will be removed as boring. Also your comment may be removed if SlingShot feels like removing it. On the other hand, a comment may be allowed to remain if it serves SlingShot's greater sense of capricious malfeasance despite all other contraindications. SlingShot renders all judgments on a per submittal basis, or not.

Otherwise this Chatter Box runs itself, and comments disappear automatically when more than 90 days old. If you would like to see improvements to this page, include a request in your comments. All suggestions are carefully reviewed and routinely ignored. However, special function has been included on the SUBMITTAL FORM (CLOSED)  in which you may respond to your own comments as "My Personal SlingShot." Don't forget to treat yourself roughly if you use it.

Currently showing  178  comments.  Add your own using the SUBMITTAL FORM (CLOSED) .
 

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#Time ESTPresidentChatterUser's
Link
My Personal SlingShot
aka: Sling Blades
Shot's
Link
352912/30/2008 1:18:00 PMSlamCrankWhat could possibly be worse than the Middle East Palestine?

 The U.S. Clandestine.

 
352812/29/2008 11:28:00 PMJONoEXTRA
LINK...
Way 
352712/29/2008 4:00:00 PMGeorgy GirlGlad you and the Widder made the migration uneventfully.

You know how I can tell when my heart rate is in the red?

I lose focus vision. The blurred vision usually occurs when climbing a steep hill after a few hours of woods riding. Your way reads a little safer. Enjoy your two years of naps.

 You sure that's not just the soft focus filter?

 
352612/28/2008 5:14:00 PMSlamCrankYou'd damn well better have more to say to ddoT than that!

 Ok.

Just be sure to use Heart Rate Reserve when you start calculating your zones.

Basically, instead of calculating say 90% of your full scale heart rate max based on something like 0 to 190, you first subtract your resting base rate from the upper figure then calculate percentages based on that smaller range.

Say your upper is 190 and your resting is 40. Do all your percentages based on 150, then add 40 to the derived number afterwards.

That will shift all your numbers up a smidge, and if you compare the two methods you will probably find the higher numbers just "feel right" to you.

There. Now shut the fuck up, SlamCrank.

 
352512/28/2008 4:13:00 PMddoTSlow twich, fast twitch, Aet, At, Lt, this Friel guy sure is confusing.

Well, now I'm into the 80's, and I'm beginning to train with a heart rate monitor.

Maybe twenty years from now I can get a fancy shmancy power meter and learn your watt lingo. Hope all is well in the sunshine state!

 You're not missing much regarding watt talk there is.

I haven't heard anybody other than me (and therefore the Widder), using power meters in any way better than merely porting old timey heart rate process over to a new gadget's numbers.

People still haven't caught on that it's the difference in looking at a foot long ruler gauged to inches and a yard stick guaged to 1/32's… not to mention HR gets your information to you about 10 seconds too late to do much of anything about it.

However, lots of people do really good with HR, and Friel is great, and the best part of Friel's greatness is the discussion of naps.

I figure I've only got two more years of getting my base napwork in, then I'm going to start on all the other stuff.

 
352312/26/2008 10:25:00 AMPalletmanI know, I know.

Once you eat the first one, the second, third etc just seems so easy.

I'm on my third chocolate dipped biscoti of the morning with my coffee.

Those long car rides (after you've done the car sex thing) can get really boring.

You know. You have to stop for gas, and take a leak, and all they do is put candy bars in your face.

 It all starts when some asshole spends the entire Halloween ride trailing tootsie rolls in front of you, and you can't get them out of your head for the next two months, fuck you very much.

BTW: I believe having sex with a car is illegal in most states, so you'd better be a little more careful how you talk about your car sex thing.

 
352212/26/2008 12:07:00 AMSlingShotPalletman, damn you... you damn dirty ape.

EXTRA
LINK...
No. Seriously, Palletman. Damn you to hell.

EXTRA
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352112/25/2008 4:20:00 PMJOOk. It's currently a toasty 76°.

Let the cycling begin!

 We are starting off today with an easy 40 miles on the Pinellas Trail.

 
351912/25/2008 2:07:00 PMSlingShotThe billboard got me so excited I almost wrecked.

There it was in large sans serif bold face: ADULT TOYS.

It also said something about videos and DVD's, but I've got lots of them so hardly noticed.

However, I'm always in the mood for some more adult toys, so I yelled for the Widder to hold on, and I almost took out the SUV pacing beside us, as I lurched my big truck into the waiting parking lot.

I ran up to the guy minding the store, and queried, "Sign says you've got all the major adult toys, right?"

"Yup."

"I LOVE new adult toys. Give me a Seven with Dura-Ace components, please!"

"Sorry, sir, but I'm quite sure we have nothing at all so small as a seven for durin' aces and corn holin'."

Acceptable regional accents aside, that’s the best I can do with what this guy said, and what he did to the word "Ace" was truly inexcusable.

I'm not even going to try to describe what he showed me as a substitute product.

 Ax me if I care.

 
351812/21/2008 6:56:00 PMWidderEverything's packed, and we've got a new hood ornament for the ride south, so (as we shut this dog and pony show down for the trip to Floriduh Spring Training) we leave you with this.

EXTRA
LINK...
SHUT... UP!!!

 
351712/21/2008 6:10:00 PMJOYou know, ever since Bianchi hooked up with that babe Francesca, nobody's seen him blubbering like a little baby girl so much like he used to.

 Wait till she kicks his ass.

He'll look like this. >>>

EXTRA
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351612/21/2008 5:07:00 PMGeorgy
Girl
SlingShot,

Hope you and the Widder have a very uneventful trip to Florida in a few days.

Too much snow and too low of temperatures for riding outside today. The Over the Hill Gang's Christmas party was last night, so of course many additional calories were consumed.

Regarding snow bicycle riding skinny (1.9") rubber studded tires work best around 25 to 30 degrees F for riding.

Enjoy your snowbird home for the next months.

Georgy

 Apparently some people have missed the fact that the Chatterbox has been back up and running.

Anyone who catches on now will be pleased to find it closed tomorrow as we motor south.

 
351512/21/2008 11:02:00 AMAnthony
Defeo
Chuckie
RE: American Road Cycling Pussy
To: SlingPussy and the Arachnid

This is what real men do when it gets cold!

Keep worrying about your watts, or was that your squirts?

In the infamous words of Clubber Lang, "Pain, I forcast Pain."

A Mission is in the future.

Keep it straight (I mean your paceline).

Tony

EXTRA
LINK...
True, granted.

But who is that tall girl with those two men?

 
351412/21/2008 10:48:00 AMSlingShotOk. 162.3, and my briefs feel like boxers.

 Keep your hand out of there.

 
351312/21/2008 10:47:00 AMSlingShotWidder did three (count 'em 3) full-on flat backed from her toes down to her chest military grade pushups this morning!

 Nobody's going to know what that means.

 
351112/20/2008 8:51:00 PMJOWhat did those guys overhear you saying to your slice of pizza?

 I chew you long time, baby… chew you long time.

 
351012/20/2008 6:33:00 PMSlamCrankFuck...

EXTRA
LINK...
...an A! 
350912/20/2008 10:37:00 AMJO

HUMP REPORT

 E-hole.

 
350812/20/2008 10:28:00 AMSlamCrankYou twittering embecilic nincompoops better stop calling millennia old basic Yoga asanas "E-cises"!!

 E-hole.

 
350712/19/2008 8:34:00 PMPCPLauren Warren Lauren Warren Lauren Warren (said fast)

Thank you Thank you Thank you

XOXO = E-Cises

 Sorry, boys. Looks like Lauren turned one.

 
350612/19/2008 2:51:00 PMPalletmanSlingShot, it's a long trip in the car. Don't eat too many candy bars on the way down… you might gain those nine pounds back.

 I'm sure I can do better than that.

 
349912/19/2008 10:54:00 AMSpatzLike I give a motherfucking shit one way or another. I'm way the fuck outa here just as soon as soon.

 Hey. Watch the language.

 
349812/19/2008 10:16:00 AMSophieSpatz, please don't leave me with that bad dog Maggie.

 

 
349712/19/2008 10:15:00 AMMaggieHey Spatz - can I use the rug while you are gone?

 

 
349312/18/2008 12:35:00 PMJOI heard you had a nice visit with Turtle Boy today.

 I guess so.

He was over, and I think he said some stuff to me, but I really couldn't focus on it.

Ever since I caught myself swooping down to the floor and eating a three year old Cheerio (so far as I know), I know I have to be careful with my hunger.

Maybe Turtle Boy was talking to me, but it was all I could do to stop myself from knocking him down, killing him, cooking him up, and eating his charred remains.

I probably wouldn't have bothered with the cooking.

 
349212/17/2008 1:32:00 PMCrankyWHOA!!!!

Would post in Chatterbox, but I'm network connected to work.

I just got out of the pose with your legs up against the wall: it took 5 minutes just to get my legs straight.

Once in the pose, a few more minutes for my muscles to release my hips.

Once there, it felt all weird and tingly around the herniation.

After getting out of the pose I have much more ability to flex—with the hips… without pain at the herniation.

FAB!

Mary Beth

 Like I said, thank Warren Lauren.

While you are at it, you may as well give a shout-out to the guys who read your e-mail passing through the network connection as well.

 
349112/17/2008 1:14:00 PMJOMadoff with the money, he is.

 He has.

 
349012/16/2008 9:20:00 PMPCP xoxo Static Back Press

 Thank Lauren Warren.

 
348912/16/2008 5:25:00 PMFeeNanceSlingShot, the U.S. Federal Government has actually offered to GIVE YOU 3% if you will just take their money!

 They'll to have to give me a lot more than that before I'll think their money is worth anything again.

What do they think I am… a farmer?

 
348812/16/2008 1:54:00 PMJOYEAH!!! The road to Dr. Art is open!!!!

EXTRA
LINK...
And so to perdition.

 
348712/16/2008 10:21:00 AMSlingShot164.6

Take THAT Joe Straub!

 Like it'll make a difference.

 
348612/15/2008 9:42:00 PMBig
Toe
Guy
If the shoe fits, throw it! Heck, throw both of them!!

 Nobody asked you.

 
348512/15/2008 8:09:00 PMJess
Shodepp
This is an interesting website.

I bet that SlingShot guy gets lots of adoration for being the author of such a great site and President of Amercian Road Cycling.

 All the respect I deserve.

EXTRA
LINK...
348412/15/2008 12:01:00 AMGeorgy
Girl
Silly SlingShot!

Mountainbikes are for girls.

 Takes one to know.

 
348312/14/2008 10:56:00 PMCattie
Shank
Man, Bianchi shows up with a babe, and them girls get chatty, don't they?

 I noticed that.

 
348212/14/2008 10:36:00 PMCrankySlimShot - look at this article and the date on it. Why did the alcohol never hold up with Landis?

EXTRA
LINK...
Because Landis was never in trouble for doping.

He got fucked for showing up at the TDF with a power meter and blowing the lid off everybody's little "ain't we working so hard" bullshit charade!

 
348112/14/2008 9:56:00 PMTwin
Lynn
SlingShot, loosen up that strap on the heart rate monitor.

It's so tight, it's making your belly stick out!

 Where the fuck were you with this information a year ago!?

I'd have saved 300 or so nights staring at the wall trying not to think about eating, if I only knew it was a strap problem all along

.

 
348012/14/2008 7:48:00 PMSlamCrankI met that woman Francesca, and she's really quite nice.

EXTRA
LINK...
I can fix that.

EXTRA
LINK...
347912/14/2008 6:41:00 PMBig
Bianchi
Well... at least Cranky showed up.

 So?

 
347812/14/2008 2:59:00 AMGeorgy
Girl
What is all this chatter about sissy trainer riders?

Whatever happened to 2 hours on rollers while watching What Not to Wear?

Join the Over the Hill Gang tomorrow at 10 am at Goose Pond to ride the Up and Over.

Just close your eyes and imagine your 2.5 inch tires crunching through the frozen top inch of dirt just to be met by clinging mud and frost.

Now that puts a strain on your legs as you climb that never ending hill.

With all that body heat built up ride down the other side with fogged-over glasses on ice covered rocks!

Happy Holidays to all, and to all a good night.

 Not likely.

 
347712/13/2008 5:19:00 PMARC
Staff

HUMP REPORT

Let me just say nice job to the MEN who stuck out the cold this morning and put in a great ride.

Temp was bareable. Poo on all you sissy trainer riders. By the time I got home I put in a nice 3:45 on the road, and I only lost two finger tips. Not bad!!!

And to Doug...You are the man!!!!

All that complaining, and you still made it out. Those old guys can be hard core!!

Until next time.....

 You motherfuckers. That ain't no Hump report.

That's just something you stole from Dave Fucking Freifelder.

If you ever want to make money and put those skills to a better task, I hear there are some Somali boat captains looking to hire.

 
347612/13/2008 11:46:00 AMNsent
Bstander
I think she meant this. >>>

EXTRA
LINK...
Maybe.

 
347512/13/2008 11:24:00 AMFrozen Puddle
Hey Captian Bonk, check your electrolytes, and then check your links (URL), and I'm not takling about the links on your bike.

 I suppose you mean this. >>>

EXTRA
LINK...
347412/13/2008 12:54:00 AMSplashHey Dude, sounds like you blew your one and only chance to win a Hump.

 Winning is highly overrated.

BTW: What were you doing reading old ARC articles yesterday and clicking over to the Endico website?

 
347312/12/2008 11:18:00 PMSlingShotSome years ago, before I broke my collar bone, there was one summer when I never missed a ride. Local club rides provided for 6 days a week, and I went out on my own on Friday.

By winter I was in pretty good shape and continued best I could.

One Saturday morning it was 22 degrees, and I showed up for the Hump to find not one person there!

I went out anyway, and the wind sweeping up Round Hill Road was so severe, it felt like razor blades slicing into my face—despite my balaclava.

By the time I got to the "S" turn I decided to turn back.

Immediately on turning back the break in the wind was just enough to make me rethink and turn back out.

On the second or third turn back, I decided that if I could just make it to Big Island I could go do the "B" ride instead, where the hills and barren trees might shield me.

However, a few turnarounds later, I knew I had to face facts and go back to the parking lot.

On the way back I kept wondering, "I can't believe nobody showed up. I would have thought at least one person would be at the Hump."

Then I realized there was one rider, and it was me.

 Alright already! You can take tomorrow off.

Glenn and Dave have taken over for you.

 
347212/11/2008 11:41:00 PMArtie
Artie Art
Donohue
You are all aware that I time trialed the Hump in 19.7 a couple months ago, don't you?

 Shutup Don'ie! You're out of your element.

This aggression will not stand.

 
347112/11/2008 10:35:00 PMTurtle
Boy
247 watts for 33.68 miles today.

Fuck Computrainers.

Fuck watts.

 See?

What'd I tell you?

Ain't watts grand!?

 
347012/11/2008 9:43:00 PMddoTHas anybody read the book "Lance Armstrong's War"?

I just finished it. It was a very good read in my opinion. Tons of power data and numbers for number freaks (hint hint).

Apparently all I have to do is get down to 98 lbs., and nobody will ever catch me again.

 Everybody's read it.

It is Peetie KaKa's favorite book, but that was before I ever heard of watts, so I'll have to read it again.

I love watts. I can't get enough of them. I don't do anything but look at them, talk about them, and dream about them. Watts is great.

 
346912/11/2008 5:18:00 PMCrankyHey, I didn't post that!

 Well, somebody did.

 
346812/11/2008 5:17:00 PMCrankySo now what? Constantly hearing about The Black Widow wasn't enough, now it's going to be all about the Diamond Butt RattleSneak!

 It's going to be all about something. That's for sure.

 
346712/11/2008 4:25:00 PMPalletmanHey, I didn't post that!

 Well, somebody did.

 
346612/11/2008 4:24:00 PMPalletmanEnough of all this political talk.

Whatever happened to your supposed project to kick my ass?

 Sorry, I forgot all about you.

I've been working on kicking this one, but I keep getting distracted.

EXTRA
LINK...
346512/11/2008 2:04:00 PMDiane
Dzwilewski
And Blagojevich is a Serb, not a Pollack.

 Oh.

 
346412/11/2008 1:58:00 PMSlamCrankJayzoo Kripes, SlingShot! Obama's just a guy. He can't perform miracles.

 One can hope.

 
346312/11/2008 1:15:00 PMAnnie
Moss,
Haiti
That fucking Pollack in Chicago!

Just when we thought we were going to get a moment of political peace with an actual human being as President.

This goddamn story gets repeated so fucking much, you'd think people would learn. It's like they never heard of such a thing before.

How the hell's Obama going to overcome this stigma?

Hey, you!!!

SlingShot dude, you're so fucking smart you probably got one of your big ideas how Obama-lama's going to help stop this shit from ever happening again.

What is something only Obama could do and should be his absolute very first duty when he gets into office?

 Get Tom Sawyer back on our school libray shelves and in our classrooms.

 
346212/10/2008 11:21:00 AMAnnie
Moss,
Haiti
Ok, I've read all this nonsense about watts, weight, the Widder's 23+ Hump, and the rest of that bullshit.

If you're so fucking smart, SlingShot, what is the secret of life?!

 

MyDataList.RepeatColumns = 3

 
346112/9/2008 11:27:00 PMPresta-
Nator
I'm confused. What is this thing about some time trial for 2008? I can't find anything about it on this website.

I did find this. >>>

EXTRA
LINK...
Yeah I was looking for it too.

Here's the closest I could find. >>>

EXTRA
LINK...
346012/9/2008 10:35:00 PMTurtle
Boy
I'm 159.5 lbs.

 Sounds like after a ride.

 
345912/9/2008 10:09:00 PMPalletmanSensitive are we?

 First off… 2008's not over.

But mostly I would just like to never again find myself on the back of a fast ride and hear, "Jesus. What the fuck's wrong with Joe? He looks like Palletman. Better not say anything. He sure won't want to hear that!

 
345812/9/2008 5:21:00 PMPalletmanSlingShot, so… I guess you will be doing the 23 mph hump time trial in '09?

Please advise.

 You should work on your riding position.

 
345712/9/2008 2:04:00 PMToeClipGuyCongratulations to Slingshot for losing all that extra poundage.

You keep that up and next spring you will be a force to be reckoned with. (I think.)

I for one gained weight in the last couple of months, so I got some work to do.

By the way, thanks for that very, very, thoughtful item I received. But what exactly were you thinking?

 Wasn't.

EXTRA
LINK...
345612/9/2008 11:31:00 AMddoTCome see me.

I have the three week cold of death right now, and I'm looking to share it with someone.

 I believe I heard Bianchi is looking for just such a cold.

BTW: Congratulations on surviving Sally Harding road with the big boys, whom you now find not so big.

 
345512/9/2008 11:27:00 AMSlamCrankOf course you know, SlingShot, people actually do understand that.

It is just that there's the little matter of Ridgebury Road; and, given how you perform there at 220 lbs, nobody (positively nobody) wants to see you perform there at 152 lbs… and if you think the last 42 lbs were hard, just wait till you see the next 14.

By the way, where is The Black Widow in all this?

 Up in the attic on her Computrainer.

 
345412/9/2008 11:14:00 AMSlingShotThis morning I am 165.2 lbs.

That is the lowest I have been all year, and it is 42 lbs or so down from February.

Even more incredible is the fact that this is 9.6 lbs lower than this same day two years ago: the year I did my best in terms of weight loss but was already 25 lbs above my best of that year, and just before my three week cold that helped fuel my propulsion to back over 220 last year.

When I look at the records for two years ago, I notice that I am less than just two weeks away from being in Floriduh where I can start actual training and get back on my bike again, and where I don't have to worry so much about putting on 12 lbs in 9 days... like I did last month.

That means I am poised to turn over the New Year in the best shape of my long and tortured life.

All I have to do is avoid all possible human contact!

 Nobody seems to understand that.

 
345312/8/2008 9:33:00 PMTwin
Lynn
I thought I was supposed to go there.

It looked like one of those wee wee pads.

I didn't notice the Endico signature in the corner. Honest!

 A common mistake.

 
345212/8/2008 4:47:00 PMCrankyJust how many of those lost puppies have pee'd on the Widder's studio rug?

 Well, Lynn did, but only once.

Othwerwise she would have gotten this.

EXTRA
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345112/8/2008 11:29:00 AMPalletmanWe all think it's very cute, how you think you are running a rescue service over there at ARC.

We've got your lost puppies right here.

EXTRA
LINK...
Swingin'?

 
345012/7/2008 7:38:00 PMSlamCrankWhat the fuck are you fucking guys running over there, a rescue service for lost puppies?

 Basically.

 
344912/7/2008 7:36:00 PMLittle
Danny
Sullivan
I really enjoyed visiting with you guys this afternoon.

 Oh, you did, did you?EXTRA
LINK...
344812/7/2008 3:57:00 PMSlamCrankSo Bianchi came over today and pissed you off again.

 You'd think he could show up on time, and with the approprate amount of coffee!

 
344712/7/2008 3:53:00 PMJOI heard that somebody did 40 miles with a 259 watt average and a 22.1 mph average in a 1:48:44 effort on a Computrainer somewhere today.

 Sounds like Turtle Boy to me!

 
344612/7/2008 1:33:00 PMCrankyParagraphing - excellent!

Where is Twin Lynn?

 I think she's out somewhere cooking us up a turkey… which we have no use for and will never eat.

 
344512/7/2008 1:19:00 PMSlamCrankGAWWD! I am so fucking old!!!

 Me too.

 
344412/7/2008 11:18:00 AMCrankyHad I only known there was something to do during the past two weeks of pulling my hair out doing NOTHING.

Let the games begin. Is this SlingShot's reward for becoming SlimShot?

How good is Toe Clip....hidden for a season, yet still tapped in.

 You're not as slow as we thought. Some people figured you'd never catch on, but it only took a month or so.

I had to work out some security issues with forms on another website, and this is a good test bed.

You will be excited to know that I have added support for paragraphing.

 
344312/6/2008 8:33:00 PMTurtle
Boy
Thank you, Paris.

That was the best Computrainer ride ever.

 Was he smiling when he came out of the bathroom afterwards?

 
344212/6/2008 3:02:00 PMPalletman

HUMP REPORT

Thanks Kevin, for getting everyone motivated to ride in such cold weather.

That was one of the smoothest 21.8 mph rides I've ever been on.

I felt like we were riding a team time trial. Great work guys!

 It's about fucking time.

BTW: Widder says, "Get a room!"

 
343512/6/2008 2:22:00 PMARC
Staff
If anybody had their ass truncated, it's been fixed.

 Glad to see you're getting something done.

 
342212/6/2008 10:15:00 AMCaliperGirlIs Spatz ready for Floriduh?

 She's resting up.

EXTRA
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342112/5/2008 11:02:00 PMddoTThanks for the Card!

Now who the fuck gave you my address? They're dead where they stand.

The mail lady already got what she had coming for putting it in my mailbox.

 You did it yourself asshole, so go ahead and pull the trigger on your head… since you've already just shot yourself in the foot.

 
342012/5/2008 9:18:00 PMToeClipGuyHoly Shit! I'm in!

But why am I in?

I better get out of this place.

(Hello to all my peeps!... Even you, Slingshot, even you.)

 I had a 10 dollar bet with Widder that this would be found out within two weeks, but Turtle Boy proved me right on the first day.

Of course he always has been faster than the rest of you.

 
341912/5/2008 9:00:00 PMSlamCrankWhat if O.J. DIDN'T do it?!

 I don't know.

 
341812/4/2008 10:38:00 AMDimmWiddySo that means the Metal Man would have needed 300 watts to beat the Widder's 244?

 Assuming she was also 100% efficient, so we'll just say 260 considering how far ahead of him she was at the end.

 
341712/4/2008 10:35:00 AMARC StaffBTW: Roger at Racermate says he believes the Metal Man is set for 150 lbs.

 Adjust your expectations accordingly.

 
341612/4/2008 10:33:00 AMSlamCrankI'd rather be a piss poor cyclist than a great anything else!

 Congratulations. You are.

 
339512/3/2008 3:56:00 PMJOThis morning the Metal Man was set for 245 watts. Mary beat him using only 244 watts.

 Nice reporting. That is correct.

While we were debreifing her workout, I explained to Mary that there is no way she is more than 100% efficient (which is what the Metal Man is), so her beating him with fewer watts can only be explained by the fact that her 119 lbs is much less than whatever weight the Metal Man is assumed to be.

Mary is currently in talks with the Computrainer people trying to find out just how much he weighs.

 
338512/3/2008 10:02:00 AMLittle
Danny
Sullivan
Merry Christmas. I received your card today, and it was very nice, but I have a question.

Is that a sweat and urine converting machine in the background?

 Yes it is.

Mary is in charge of making those, and that one is in the final stage of production.

Her job is to put it there and make sure it stays there for years, and years, and years.

 
338212/3/2008 12:13:00 AMTom
Watson
Jr.
Ok. Maybe it's time to throttle off a little on the rate of failure.

 Yuh, think!?

 
336412/1/2008 8:26:00 PMSlamCrankMoney for nothin'...

EXTRA
LINK...
...chicks for free.

 
335212/1/2008 3:48:00 PMG DouglasI heard that Widder's crash was caused by B. Is this true?

 Yes, UV110. Because he never fully kicked the shit out of her for following people so close, and then trying to pass them on an intersection turn.

 
334812/1/2008 1:42:00 AMJOLook what I ran across.

31.7 mi, 1:30:02

Danny: 247w
Berto: 234w
TwGeo: 207w
Paris: 191w

 Given the weights involved, it looks like a few of those people may soon be moving up into Widder territory.

 
334711/30/2008 5:53:00 PMJOHere's one from the Widder's crash and burn.

EXTRA
LINK...
You sure she didn't just get out of the Matrix?

 
332611/30/2008 12:16:00 AMSpankyWell, the weather outside's delightful
But the Widder is fucking frightful.

EXTRA
LINK...
Oh, no. Here we go again.

 
332511/29/2008 5:57:00 PMSlingShotGuess who was here today?

EXTRA
LINK...
She's a real pisser alright. Let me tell you.

 
332411/29/2008 5:28:00 PMSlamCrankSo what? He had a beard?

 He used Palletman.

 
332311/29/2008 5:03:00 PMARC
Staff

HUMP REPORT

Little Danny Sullivan was up there. But we don't know where.

 You assholes.

 
332211/28/2008 10:03:00 AMSlingShotIt is the day after Thanksgiving, and my morning scale reveals that I am 1.8 lbs lighter than I was yesterday morning!

 Clever boy.

 
332111/27/2008 4:59:00 PMJOWhat about that weird business where Iron Mike Norton said, "Are we ready to go ride?"

Then he let you guys get a half mile out before he left the parking lot.

Did he really think he was going to catch you with the Widder pulling?

 Get real.

He probably thought we turned left onto the Hump course, but we went straight out Pumpkin Swamp.

By the time we realized he was missing, we figured he probably knew better than to waste his time with us.

 
332011/27/2008 3:26:00 PMJOOk.

I heard that you did reconnaisance of Twin Lynn's ride for Mary today.

I heard you were surprised at how weak Lynn is.

 That's right I can't believe how weak she is.

I would hang behind her and watch real close. Numerous times I could see from her body language that she was way over torqued.

Despite her overworking I could barely stay on her wheel.

My guess is that she is only about 10x sronger than Mary.

I thought she would be a lot stronger.

 
331911/27/2008 3:18:00 PMJOWell, Widder crashed again today.

 Please limit your reporting to news.

 
331811/27/2008 11:10:00 AMTurtle
Boy
Ok. My house at 9:30.

 Never mind. Goodbye.

 
331711/27/2008 10:46:00 AMTurtle
Boy
Ok. I'm not leaving my house till 9:30, so me, Pedro, and Paris won't be there till around ten.

 That's fine. It will make the ass kicking all the more.

 
331611/27/2008 9:46:00 AMSlamCrankIt's Thanksgiving, and it's fucking cold!

 I know, but I'm really cabin fevered out, so I'm going over to Big V for the 9:30 ride and find somebody's ass to kick.

 
328411/25/2008 10:27:00 AMSlamCrankSlingShot, I know you are always railing about language use and social engineering, so I'm sure this will be of interest.

I just watched a documentary about a guy who was an artist but never made it.

His failure seeemed to push him into a life of ignobility, and he became instead a rather aggressive collector of art.

Actually, I have often heard of this guy, but even though his watercolors weren't all that bad, I have never once heard his name used in the same sentence as "artist"— only as a failed "painter" which I always took to mean failed "house painter."

Isn't it interesting the taboos that people will assign to their words?

EXTRA
LINK...
Why did you think I devoted so much time to making sure Widder never failed as an artist?

 
328311/24/2008 6:38:00 PMPalletmanI'll go and get all three books... after you kick my ass on Ridgebury. In the meantime I plan on doing the same ol', same ol'.

 All the better to more quickly add those books to your library. Toss back another.

 
328211/24/2008 5:08:00 PMddoTBut you're just an old man!

 Exactly my point.

 
328111/24/2008 4:50:00 PMSlamCrankI've seen that Anatomy of Movement book, and it is just for ballerinas.

The other two are only restatements of quasi martial arts and yoga concepts.

Why all this focus on dance, martial arts and yoga?

 Because next spring I plan to dance all over you while I'm killing you on Ridgebury.

Meditate on that!

 
328011/24/2008 4:33:00 PMSlingShot

!!! ATTENTION !!!
(major import)

This is very important.

After noticing how dysfunctional all the riders were on the last Sunday ride we went to, I was going to write a new chapter for Cycling Performance Simplified, but I'm too busy doing stuff like this, so you'll have to figure it out on your own.

Get these three books:

1) Egoscue, Pete, and Roger Gittines. 1992. "The Egoscue method of health through motion : a revolutionary program that lets you rediscover the body's power to protect and rejuvenate itself." 1st ed. New York: HarperCollins Publishers. ISBN: 0060168811

2) Brourman, Sherry, and Randy Rodman. 1998. "Walk yourself well : eliminate back, neck, shoulder, knee, hip, and other structural pain forever--without surgery or drugs." 1st ed. New York: Hyperion. ISBN: 0786862939

3) Calais-Germain, Blandine. 2007. "Anatomy of movement." English language ed. Seattle: Eastland Press. ISBN: 9780939616572 (alk. Paper)

Number 3 is maybe most important.

It is the mechanical and wiring schematic of your body.

Everything else you've ever seen on the subject is static with muscles piled on muscles, but this book separates the basic elements and shows the dynamic.

Everybody should have it and use it. It also provides the transition for the logical progression from the Egoscue to the Brourman books.

Get all three books now, today, and immediately. Then use them to provide context for your winter training and spin classes.

 Really. Just get these books.

I mean it!!! You can thank me later.

 
325411/23/2008 2:40:00 PMTurtle
Boy
Nice job, Mary!

I have one extra Computrainer for you on Tuesday.

You can ride with Dangerous Dan.

 He might land on me… again.

 
325211/23/2008 11:41:00 AMTurtle
Boy
We averaged 230 watts yesterday.

 Mary averaged 213 watts this morning.

But here's the interesting theoretical truth (which we have confirmed in the real world this year):

Given that your weight is 167 lbs, and Widder's is only 119 lbs, she would only need 175 watts to stay with you guys.

That probably goes a long way toward explaining why people think she's so fucking strong.

BTW: Did I mention she did 213 this morning?

 
324311/22/2008 10:08:00 AMLittle
Danny
Sullivan
Mary,

          I know you and coach Bob are always striving to improve your performance. Like the no front wheel idea.

          I heard something on the radio that I thought might be of some assistance to you. Have Bob analyze it and let me know.

          NASA has installed on the space station a device to turn the urine and sweat of the astronauts into drinking water. I am thinking that this is a must have for you. No water bottle, no water bottle wind resistance.

          Danny

 Please stop giving Mary ideas, Dan.

In fact, stop giving anybody any ideas. Make them pay for them. Then keep them to yourself.

I looked into the matter and realize that if people start using this technology, my apparent performance will not be enhanced but significantly degraded, as I will lose the reinstatement of my three mile advantage everytime you guys (would otherwise) stop for a pee break.

Not to mention: Paris's side yard will become severely overgrown.

 
323511/21/2008 5:08:00 PMSlamCrankWait a minute. Let me see if I've got this straight.

BLASTER had a logging accident?

 More or less.

 
322611/21/2008 12:07:00 AMTurtle
Boy
I know I'm just from Portugal, but I still have taken an interest in your War on Terror.

Awhile back President Bush said you would be going after the terrorists where they live by freezing all their financial assets.

How'd that work out?

 Pretty good I think.

 
322211/20/2008 10:16:00 PMSlamCrankSlingShot, what the fuck have you been doing?

 Reminding myself that computers are not nearly worth the effort.

 
308911/16/2008 10:51:00 AMARC
Staff
Cranky passed!

 Gas?

 
308811/14/2008 11:24:00 PMSlamCrankTonight's Space Shuttle launch was pretty tragic.

 Yeah, when the main thruster finally surged to full burst, three of the astronauts popped a hernia.

 
308711/14/2008 8:18:00 PMARC
Staff

SAFETY ALERT

Be aware that when slinging around large heavy logs it is important to bend at the knees and keep your back straight.

 I'm sure everybody knows that. Maybe you should remind them that if they do pop a hernia to try a different position.

 
308511/14/2008 2:36:00 AMMadam
Crankident
Is it not like chalk on a blackboard I axe you?

He said it the other day as well, and it makes me nuts.

We must get word to "the man" that it is "Michelle and me."

 Michelle and you what?

 
308311/12/2008 11:43:00 PMSlamCrankLet's see if I got this right.

You had to go out with Widder to take the Subaru to Middletown for a checkup, and you stopped off at the mall only to remind yourself why you don't like to be around people, and now you're so buzzed on caffeine, sugar, and pizza that you are going to write about it?

 Yeah.

I was in the book store and heard a young woman (girl really) telling some rutting male that Obama is a Muslim.

I could tell that the guy was thinking, "How am I getting into these pants," while he only said, "Really? So you voted for McCain then."

She flitted around him like Sarah Jessica Parker around Steve Martin in LA Story and cooed, "Of course! You'd think after 9/11 people wouldn't want a Muslim for President."

I was just about to set her straight with a gratis history lesson about how black people never even got on television when I was a kid, how shocking it was to see the first TV commercial with an African not portrayed as a shucking jiving sycophant, how I confronted my own prejudice (not bigotry mind you, but prejudice) at college when I realized the thing that had been bothering me about the black guy two doors down in our dorm was that he was actually smarter than me (by a large margin), and how exciting it was to have somebody like Barack as a role model in order to explain to kids, "See? You really need to learn to speak acrolect English. Do you think Obama would be President if he said axe instead of ask?"

Then I remembered I just saw Obama say, "... President Bush was gracious enough to invite Michelle and I to the White House... "

So I kept my mouth shut and only thought, "Muslim or not (which he's not), can't we get a President who doesn't fucking slaughter the English language on a regular basis?"

He should have said, "... Michelle and me... "!

Here's the rule: check each side of the 'and' by itself.

In this case, "President Bush invited me" would be the correct choice, not "President Bush invited I."

City slicker snooty ass motherfucker.

Saying "invited Michelle and I" sounds like it should be right, but it's not.

No wonder Barack didn't have a clue that some people shoot guns for fun and kill Bambi for fun-food, not because they are desperate, but because they are assholes.

In any case, the only thing we can hope for is Obama's ability to correctly pluralify potatoes.

 
308211/11/2008 7:22:00 PMTurtle
Boy
SlingShot, it was great seeing you guys when I stopped off at the studio today.

I ended up doing 50 miles.

It was brutal, cold, and went on forever.

 Yeah, we expected the same thing when we went out later, but we ran into Rob Daly on the Heritage Trail and made him pull us into the wind.

It made the whole thing go a lot quicker, and we saw Don Lee (The Lone Rider) on the way back from Monroe.

Widder said, "I haven't ridden with Rob in years. He's still got the steadiest wheel on the East Coast."

Rob mentioned there is a club meeting in Sugar Loaf tomorrow, and he plans to beg Cranky to let him be President again, so she doesn't stop riding and get all fat and stupid like Bianchi did.

 
308111/9/2008 3:27:00 PMJOSlingShot, I heard you did really good on today's ride.

It must be all that training for the 23+ Widder's Hump.

What is the best thing you learned this year that is the most important thing to know?

 When to leave the ride.

 
307911/8/2008 2:47:00 PMJO

HUMP REPORT

1) Kevin Haley
2) Dan McNeilly
3) Humberto Cavalheiro

Kevin was spinning so easy and was so far ahead during the sprint, it was almost as if he were on a different ride.

Humberto contends that just so long as nobody from another team (other than his own) passed him at the end, he is quite content to have his teammate take top honors, and his other teammate second honors.

Apparently, large helpings of pie has a calming effect.

 I was fortunate enough to be passed by the entire group near the end (just before Iron Mike's Hill), and as the first rider passed I had a very severe reaction with the distinct and horrid thought: "Oh, my god. Now what? I'm even getting passed by SLINGSHOT!?"

But on second glance I realized it was only Twin George who has apparently been getting some pie for himself.

 
307811/6/2008 8:05:00 PMBarack
Obama
Hey! Hold on here a minute.

I may have fucked up and let my campaign get so fucking far out of control that I actually won, but I sure don't deserve to be called Omama.

And I sure as shit don't post here.

 Yes you do.

 
307711/6/2008 8:05:00 PMTurtle
Boy
Please tell Bob not to use the new president's name on his web site. It's bad for business.

How about Barack Omama?

 Sorry, but I have no control over Barack using his own name when he posts here.

After all. He's the President. He can do whatever he wants.

 
307611/5/2008 8:01:00 PMBarack
Obama
Now, what the fuck have I done to myself!?

 You won, buddy. You WON!!

 
307511/5/2008 6:48:00 PMSlingShotI do believe Palletman followed me all the way home from Chester (in our cars) just to give me grief.

 You, SlingShot, are an attractive nuisance.

 
307411/5/2008 9:08:00 AMSlamCrankListen up people. Get real.

NOTHING HAS CHANGED!!!

This country is never going to be truly egalitarian and free until there is a Portuguese President.

 Here's all I can do about that:

Turtle Baby for Prez '44

 
307311/4/2008 11:36:00 PMSlamCrankHow'd Widder's and your ride with Humberto go today?

 I can hardly express how excited I was to do Silence of the Lambs one last time for the year.

I was 168.0 lbs this morning which is almost 40 lbs off since Februrary, so I knew the hills were going to be a lot different.

Heart Attack Hill wasn't so bad despite me being dropped and not getting back for the next two miles, but after all Widder was only 30 watts off a personal best, so I almost didn't mind when she reported how easy it felt for her—now that she's all efficient, smart, and all.

However, I finally did get back on their wheels and without very much obvious waiting on their part.

Unfortunately, when we went through the light on 208 in Washingtonville and began the climb up to The Hill that Must Not Be Named, I knew that Mary would be dicking around trying to get in her clips after the light caught us, so I went around and started climbing real easy like, but she decided to help me, and came around, got in front and triggered Humberto.

From that point on Mr. Turtle Boy rammed his established routine a little harder which was: push every hill just ever so slightly harder than the one before it, and which is: (still) not a lot of fun for me.

After the big hill out of Washingtonville, I finally got back on the ride just at the start of the Silence Climb which ends after turning onto 207.

I was on Humberto's wheel at the top of that one, even though I had to rush around Mary at the stop sign, because she hesitated to avoid getting hit by that CAR LEFT.

Then I took a little pull on the downhill, but soon as the uphill started I dropped off and Mary took over for a long pull past the school which ended with Humberto stating flatly, "That was some pull Mary!"

Sadly, that also signaled the turn back home, which is where Turtle reinvigorated his progressive feathering the heat up till I was totally basted, done and toast.

Of course, Mary went on to finish with him which is not so surprising, but which does signal the end of my involvement with training her.

I have decided she is already too strong, and any more improvement is in nobody's interest, certainly not my own.

In fact, way before the end, I was almost as totally sick of the ride as I am of this fucking election, which I also wish was way the fuck over.

 
307211/4/2008 3:56:00 PMARC
Staff
We really have to say we underestimated that Barack guy. He actually turned one.

Look at the e-mail Widder just got from Lauren Warren. >>>

EXTRA
LINK...
Wait till Turtel Boy sees this.

The lesbian is gay for Obama!

 
307111/4/2008 1:48:00 PMARC
Staff

EXIT POLL

In an almost empty voting place (no line at all), Widder just succeeded in cancelling out Turtle Boy's vote.

Later today she hopes to cancel out his climb on Heart Attack Hill

 I believe she will find voting was easier.

 
307011/4/2008 10:31:00 AMTurtle
Boy
But thousands pay into social security, and they will never get 1.00 back… not thousands, more like millions.

 I guess I should have stressed the importance of a REAL accountant, one who can show you how to take all your Mexicans off the books.

For God's sake, stop watching Fox.

I have to get back to my floor exercises. 168.0 today.

 
306911/4/2008 10:26:00 AMTurtle
Boy
OK, MAYBE TODAY AT 2 PM... FOR THE LAST TIME.

 Yeah, but make sure to vote for Obama first, because you know how easily this can happen. >>>

EXTRA
LINK...
306811/4/2008 10:25:00 AMTurtle
Boy
NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

NOT OBAMA !!!!!!!!!!

I CAN NOT BELIEVE YOU GUYS !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

HE IS GOING TO FUCK UP ALL THE SMALL BUSINESSES. MOST OF THEM ARE GOING TO CLOSE AND GO TO CHINA.

THAT IS IT. I AM NOT RIDING WITH YOU NO MORE !!!!!!!!!

 No small business with an actual accountant ever has, nor ever will, pay taxes.

 
306711/4/2008 10:21:00 AMTurtle
Boy
I am riding at 2.

Please come.

 Ok. Right after I vote for Obama. 
306611/4/2008 3:00:00 AMSlingShot

AMERICAN ROAD CYCLING
OFFICIALLY
ENDORSES

OBAMA!!!

 Don't you think we should wait to see if he wins first? 
306511/3/2008 9:33:00 AMTurtle
Baby
It's a birthday, fixed my bumper...

EXTRA
LINK...
Nice quads.

 
306411/2/2008 9:55:00 PMARC
Staff
SlingShot, don't you think you owe ddoT an apology for leaving him to play alone with Humberto, Joe Straub, and Dangerous Dan on today's ride?

 Maybe, but the next time ddoT hears SlingShot mutter under his breath, "Oh fuck, here we go," and then heads off with Widder to, "Open the gallery," and a moment later Twin Lynn blurts, "What? Bob and Mary left the ride?" and turns back herself... well, he'll know exactly what's coming next.

Besides, I think he wanted the workout.

 
306311/2/2008 3:01:00 PMTwin
Lynn
Why bother?

She'll never remember it anyway.

 Also correct.

 
306211/2/2008 2:57:00 PMTwin
Lynn
I still can't figure out what the big deal confusion is with your so called Cycling Performance Simplified book.

The whole thing seems perfectly clear to me.

You just want to be spinning the hardest gear you can hold forever.

That way your form never breaks, and you are always as efficient as possible.

 Absolutely correct.

Now, if you would just explain that to the Widder.

 
306111/1/2008 7:03:00 PMJO

HUMP REPORT

1) Humberto Cavalheiro
2) Joe Straub
3) Dan McNeilly

Overall time was a 21.3 mph average which is exactly what the Widder did on her own about this time last year.

 Guess I shouldn't have fucked with Joe the Runner on Dog Hill so bad, or maybe it's just that race season has wound down.

 
306011/1/2008 4:40:00 PMTurtle
Boy
So you'll be at my ride tomorrow?

 Probably.

 
305911/1/2008 4:30:00 PMSlamCrankI can't wait to hear what happened. I always love it when somebody succeeds at a goal, and I'm sure it must have been very hard for you.

I know you stressed that hamstring yesterday, and by the end of your nightly walk around the lakes in Monroe, you could barely move.

So this morning you got up at 5:30 in order to do enough floor exercises to limp on over to the Hump.

You were really worried that you wouldn't be able to ride at all, but you managed to stay on the Widder's wheel all the way to Soons Hill before your hip gave out, and you watched her disappear up Ridgebury testing the new way of handling the hard part.

Then you did not give up, but decided if you went real easy, you might be able to continue riding this week and put the capper on your new Under 170 body weight.

Your plan was to continue chanting to yourself the little script you had been running since last night: "Go easy and don't hurt your hip and knee. The rest of the week is more important than any little victory. When the main group passes (for once in your life) don't fuck with them. Just let them go."

I am well aware of how easy it is to do real damage to yourself in the heat of the group when your pain goes into hiding under the reflex to chase, but after your 15 miles of easy spinning (mostly 10 mph) and promising yourself to be good, I'm betting you finally did the right thing and kept your health in mind.

Still, I want to hear it from your own lips.

What did you do when the main group passed?

 Fucked with Joe Straub.

 
305510/28/2008 12:03:00 AMDropperHi Bob,

You are too kind.

I was actually Army Airborne/RIP trained.

In my current life I head a business publisher and work with authors every day.

Your flight check is a great tool, but you need to (I think) reduce the number of elements somehow and (like business authors) create a visual for each element that helps the reader "concretize" the learning, so they can practice in their mind.

We all remain children, and words with pictures work best for our infantile mind.

Heck, even in airborne school I think they got us to learn how to land from a parachute jump by showing us pictures of guys who screwed up the landing and broke various bones.

 Thanks for the feedback. Images and simplification are currently in the works.

I plan to follow along with the cover art and develop how-to's based on stick figures, but first I'll have to show it to a few more people in order to get a better handle on the ways people will misunderstand.

Currently the online sheet represents notes for my own use, and what you are looking at is the extended version which includes some of the extra elements required to step Mary through the learning process.

I've shown parts of the Flight Check to a few other people, but you are the first one to take enough interest to ask an actual question.

In fact, this year when we got back from Florida, I was truly shocked to find that even those people who use power meters (plus the people who are training them) do not have a clue what the data means nor how to develop workouts based on watts instead of merely porting over old timey heart rate procedures.

Sorry to hear you have to work with authors every day. Do any of them use the word 'motherfucker'?

 
305310/26/2008 7:14:00 PMSlamCrankHow'd today's ride go?

 Great. I got to show The Dropper our Pre-Ride Flight Check from my book in progress: Cycling Performance Simplified.

It's not often I get to show the Flight Check to somebody who really knows performance and acheivement, but The Dropper is a former Navy Seal, so there's no doubt he has the tools to understand what I showed him.

Otherwise, I stayed my standard 50 yards back and paced the group while working on technical studies.

I have gotten to the point of knowing exactly when my knee and left hip have bailed out, and that happened way before we got to the first over of my grade of hill, so at the top of Donkey Hill (the first moment they had gotten out of sight), I didn't mind stopping to phone the Widder to find out which way they had turned.

She told me they were on their way to Sussex, and I was at the light in Sussex when she phoned back again to tell me they had turned onto the long climb up Sally Harding Road.

I turned around, went back the way I had come, and found her and Dropper (Dave Parker) waiting for me at the intersection.

When the group had turned onto the climb, Mary saw that Dave was off the back, because he had stupidly believed the promotional material for the ride when it stated, "…easy endurance," but when the ride turned into a tempo jousting match he still refused to come off his program and was going along slow.

Mary was expecting the group to wait for Dave, because she also stupidly believed the promotional statement, "… nobody will get dropped," and by then they were at a "Y" intersection with nobody in sight and nobody answering their cell phones.

I was already at the light in Sussex.

Therefore, the confusion in directions was just luck that had turned in my favor, because I got to show somebody else the Flight Check, and learned some new ways people are likely to misunderstand, so I can describe it better next time.

Like I said, Dave is a former Navy Seal so no idiot, and the few times he had to think about what I was saying were very informative about how hard it might be for people to understand parts of the check list.

Dave had great questions, and that sure beats the standard scenario where I show it to somebody, and they assume it is some sort of joke, or something foggy and vague.

But like I said before, Dave is a former Navy Seal… plus he is actually training with a trainer (not to mention worked as Glenn Babikian's main hit man—chasing down breaks on Glenn's way to Second Place Overall in this year's Sussex series), so it was a real reward getting to show him the Flight Check and get his feedback.

Valuable stuff indeed!

[Editor's Note: Turns out Navy Seal should have read "Army Airborne/RIP," but nobody ever heard of those guys.]

 
305210/24/2008 9:03:00 PMSlingShot

FRESH MEAT ALERT

This late afternoon on the Heritage Trail the Widder and I were chased down and caught by a new rider—a tall good draft on a beautfully maintained vintage Giant of Big Bianchi proportions.

Due to his newbie status (riding since June), he did not know that passing Widder is somewhat ill advised.

She jumped on his wheel and hung on till she heard him puff and give up.

Then she went around, and we continued to harrass him all the way to the turn-around by the airplane park.

That's where we explained that when Mary came around she said, "Don't give up," not "Now you're going down" like he had thought.

We also told him about the local bike club and the Hump, and I gave him a brief seminar about not wasting so much energy grinding such a big gear.

I only told him about torque vs. watts because I know he is eventually going to hook up with all you people, and I can tell that with just a little bit of help he will be kicking your asses for me.

Although he had toe clips (and Mary almost started calling him Toe Clip Jr.), that whole thing has been about done to death (and will be just as soon as Toe Clip shows up again), so we'll just call this new guy The Pharmecist, because he actually is one, and people will be really confused by it.

Just think of the great stories: "The ride was really winding down, and everybody was wasted. Then The Pharmecist showed up."

Considering his running and skiing background, he is going to be a contender, so look for him to show up at the Hump sometime soon.

His name is Mark, and he is a super nice guy... but we should be able to change that easy as his name.

 At least he's already seen the worst of it.

 
305110/23/2008 3:11:00 PMSlamCrankThings have gotten so bad, I know a 10 year old who lost $6,000.00 in the stock market!!

He's already researching community colleges.

   
304910/23/2008 1:55:00 AMLauren
The Spring
Princess

Warren
Please keep your 4 letter word sightings to yourself… #@ow!

 Ok. Just don't tell Michele I used it. You know how she gets around swear words.

 
304810/22/2008 1:33:00 AMSlingShotI am going to tell you something that you will not see reported anywhere else.

I witnessed this with my own eyes, but the people in charge of reporting such stuff apparently believe that you are all too weak willed to handle the truth.

However, I don't care about your sad little feelings, so I am going to tell you what I saw right out loud.

Tonight as I was coming back from my final nightly walk around the lakes in Monroe, I noticed an unscheduled rain shower had begun.

Except, something looked very strange about it.

It was snowing!

 Bonus.

 
304710/20/2008 10:06:00 PMDr. ArtA wonderful account of the ride... I only wish I had been there to enjoy it.

 You seem to have ignored all the Halloweenisms and fixated on my own description of the rolling around on the ground trying to self-adjust Cranky.

What are you doing? Running for Chair of the Portugreasican Cranky Appreciation Society?

 
304410/19/2008 9:43:00 PMSlingShotHEY!

Somebody tell Joe Straub here is the download page for the Training Peaks software trial version, and remind him the site does a good job of implying signing up for a training series and program is required, but it is not.

The program is called TrainingPeaks WKO+, and my recollection is that the only stuff disabled from the trial version is paid-for training series stuff, such as submit for comment.

EXTRA
LINK...
I suggest trying before buying, but one can buy it right away for $99.00 at: >>>

Get the TrainingPeaks WKO+ Athlete Edition at the top of the page.

I tried it, but decided the PowerTap software does a better job for us.

EXTRA
LINK...
304310/19/2008 9:18:00 PMCrankyDear Mr. Dr. Arthur Artie Art,

First forgive me for again not saying goodbye!

Glenn was pulling back on 94, and I was just staring at his wheels b/c lord knows there was no other view to see around either side of him - being so tall and all.

It dawned on us that you must have gone right onto Meadow Avenue, and we did not follow the ride leader.

Dan and I waited at the office, but perhaps you went right to the house in order to make it to the parade in time.

Sorry about the end of ride blunder.

Ride recap: FABULOUS! Better than last year!

Recap of all of the Halloweenisms:

 • The ride started with trick or treating with tootsie pops from Palletman.

 • Next, FEAR—as we pretended to get onto route 17 South (the Quickway), but then charged ahead through speeding traffic and lights scaring Joe Straub out of his saddle.

 • Alfred Hitchcock's "The Birds" on Johnson Road by the farm, as many many black birds took flight while we sped through?

 • Haunted House people making scary noises, boos, and caws through the bridge, almost scaring the Black Widder Spider off her broom.

 • A meticulous fake looking neighborhood which, on the previous night, Art blew clean of all leaves but 1.

 • Ghost riders at the right turn on Hill Road as 3 riders from behind appeared in front!

 • Glenn and Joe disappearing 2x inside the Forest of Fear.

 • Cider donuts!! TREAT! At Roe's.

 • An authentic black Halloween cat at Roe's!

 • The disappearance of the Ride Leader in ghosty downtown Chester.

THANK YOU for the FRIGHTFUL DELIGHT.

 Woooooo...

 
304210/19/2008 8:00:00 PMPalletmanMcNeilly, asshole!

M, c, N, e, i, l, l, y.

MCNEILLY—as in McNeilly Wood Products, Inc.

 Ok. 
304110/19/2008 5:47:00 PMSlingShotHey Turtle Boy,

Please apologize to Pedro for me.

I know he thought that I was pissed off at him on last Sunday's ride, because I didn't talk to him, and I didn't talk to him again on this week's Forest of Fear ride—which was, by the way, the best ever including a new loop through Winding Hills Park.

What Pedro probably does not know is that these Sunday rides are pretty much the same thing for me as if I showed up to ride in the Tour de France.

I have the same level of angst and requirement to concentrate. One slight mistake and I'm out of the ride, so I don't really get a chance to talk to anybody at all. I just ride the best I can and try to keep out of trouble.

In fact, I couldn't even listen to a story Dr. Art was telling me on some hill. I had to have him repeat it again after we were over the top.

Also, and much to my chagrin, I missed watching Cranky's hip give out.

It got so bad she had to get off her bike and self adjust at about the three quarters mark, but Widder reported that she saw it was in bad shape as soon as the ride began.

Had I not been lost in my own little hell, with my own self survival involvement, I would have noticed it, and I might have figured out something to help her.

Of course, Dr. Art actually would have helped her, but he was off chasing people who got off course.

I have had a lot of experience with this sort of stuff due to my own problems, plus my watching Widder work through her own foot/knee/leg/hip/sciatic problems for the last several months.

Sadly, it is likely that nobody else on the ride knew it was really just a matter of Cranky definitely not putting in a performance equal to her usual.

There is no way that anything about that ride should have given her the slightest trouble. I mean, she had trouble on the first hill coming into Goshen, and I was basically on her wheel the whole time!

Just a couple days ago she was with the Thursday ride on the same hill, and they dropped me like I was nothing (which I wasn't).

It didn't even register as significant at the time, because I was just in my "get through this ride" mode, and wasn't noticing anything else. I really didn't talk to anybody.

That's the main reason I didn't say anything to Pedro today.

The other reason is because he wasn't on the ride.

 What with the pre-publication that Joe Straub, Glenn Babikian (both from Westwood Velo), Dr. Art, and Dan McNeally were coming on the ride, it's no wonder the Pussygreasicans decided to stay home.

Too bad too. Because they missed seeing Cranky rolling all over the side of the road trying to self adjust… with Halloween orange finger nails.

The pain would have been worth it.

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304010/17/2008 9:35:00 AMZirraBob,

Send me that Hunter Allen book. I have set me self up for a Heart Attack Hill rematch with the Portuguese Militia.

The turtle one apparently feels that I dropped him on heart attack hill and is harboring some sort of grudge.

WHO KNEW- it will be a long lonely winter in the dungeon.

Attn Zirra:

-- Address redacted for security ---

Z

 Sounds like you have been getting your information from Paris who is so totally out of the loop, she can't be trusted anymore.

In fact, at this very moment she is off-shore at a beauty retreat resort of some sort slapping back Hot Totties like they were… well, I'm not going to mention the sort of stuff Paris usually slaps back.

Otherwise, the hammering of Turtle Boy you mention can be traced back to the day you received your Zirra nom.

On that day you did indeed paste Humberto's ass to the ground, and he has never forgotten. Nobody expected it, and nobody thought to respond, and nobody believed it afterwards.

Despite the fact that most recently you couldn't even come close to having a rat's ass chance of smacking down a single one of the Portugreasicans on any slope whatsoever other than one preceded by a minus (-) sign (after all it is really a matter of power to kgs), Turtle Boy is still skittish over the previous affair.

In any case, I thought you already had this book, what with your conversations with Hunter himself and all.

Check the image of the cover against your bookshelf again, and if you don't have it, one is on the way free of charge, sans payment due, and thank you for taking a copy off my hands.

You might like to read it, but the only thing you really need to see is the chart on page 64. The rest of it, you will be be able to figure out as obvious.

 
303810/15/2008 9:52:00 AMCrankyHere. >>>

EXTRA
LINK...
Real nice.

 
303610/14/2008 10:08:00 PMZirraHey, at least I don’t have to have two separate computers to get my power meter to work.

 How would you know that?

 
303410/14/2008 12:13:00 PMZirraBob, here is the webinar that Hunter Allen did- this is the first full tour and full team that had been tracked with Power meters-(SRM).

 I would post the URL, but I haven't been able to find three people who give a rat's ass about power data.

If I had, I would only have three of the Power Meter books (which apparently cannot be given away) laying around ready to go out.

In fact, one person I gave the book to, brought it back after skimming through it.

You'll probably find it hard to believe, but one of the only people I know who does have a power meter (SRM), doesn't even know how to set an interval on it during a ride!

 
303310/14/2008 10:42:00 AMSlamCrankDid you hear that Humberto Cavalheiro (Turtle Boy) got the job putting up a fence at Glenmere to protect the frogs?

Think of that. The turtle saves the frogs.

 Fuck the French.

 
303010/13/2008 4:27:00 PMZirraHey Bob,

Hope all is well.

I have begun discussing power training with a guy named Hunter Allen. He is a pretty interesting guy.

I participated in a webinar about power secrets of the TDF. Some really amazing numbers.

The lead out for a sprinter starts 15 miles out, and each team member is drilling it at 600-700 watts for pulls on front and covering attacks to well over 1000 watts.

Nuts just Nuts.

I am getting a copy of the power files and will send them off to you.

I have a question about google search manipulation.

A friend of mine got mixed up in a pretty big mess that is well documented when you google his name.

I do a fair bit of business with him, and I am nervous about his bad press affecting me.

How does one go about manipulating google search results.

Google "Jay Kolmar," and also "Kelley Drye," and you can see the deal.

Let me know

Kevin

 Zirra! : )

Is this the Allen Hunter you've hooked up with?

Classic ARC Book Review

If so, that is the book from which we took the specs to place Mary's 5 minute performance earlier this year at Cat 3 for MEN.

The chart is on page 64 of the book, and it is the one part I refuse to publish, because people should buy the book in order to get the chart.

But people are basically cheap motherfuckers, so I have been passing out Allen and Coggan books like they were chicklets.

We currently have six copies here, just waiting for the appropriate homes to wander in. As for those google results, I wouldn't worry about it.

Unless there is some sort of legal action that connects the three of you, not much is likely to result from the relationship being reported. Anybody who relies on the Internet for real information is an idiot anyway.

There really is no way to manipulate google in terms of blocking results you don't like—unless you are China, of course.

One can, however, do a pretty good job of establishing rational results for rational searches by phrasing text appropriately on appropriate pages such as this:

Cycling Performance Simplified search

BTW: Be sure to read the Walsh book about doping in the sport of cycling, so you can place 'Nuts just Nuts' in some sort of context.

In any case, 600-700 watts doesn't seem to be such a big number anyway. Though 1000 starts feeling a little hard after awhile.

Of course, in your own case 1000 probably ain't such big a deal either. Except you would need closer to 1800 to keep up on most hills we climb.

When you get those files, make sure they are compatible with PowerAgent software, and check to see if it is ok for me to publish them. -b

 
302910/13/2008 3:42:00 PMTurtle
Boy
Why didn't you talk to Pedro on Sunday's ride? Are you mad at him?

 I only talk to newbies.

Now that Pedro is a contender, I don't want to fuck up his ride.

Besides, I still owe him the 10 dollars extra he gave me back after the Portuguese dictionary purchase.

If I don't talk to him, he can't ask for it.

 
302510/11/2008 7:53:00 PMTurtle
Boy
That was FUNNN!!!

Starting well before the "S" turn Rudy attacked 3 or 4 times at up to 40 mph, then back to 30 mph.

Finally he let Joe, Andreas and Miles break away.

When I went to chase, Rudy just said, "No, Humberto, let them stay out there for awhile."

Those boys were really getting away, and I was getting nervous, because they were really far.

Then Rudy came to the front and fucking pulled so fucking fast that when we passed those guys they tried to stay with us, but they were gone off the back like they had no pedals... and that was just at the end of the "S" turn.

Rudy can easily hold a 30+ pace. JEEEZ!

Oh, yeah. I almost forgot.

In the middle of all this he went back to check on his girl friend 3 times, then came back and attacked again.

 I'm sure all that was exciting for you, Humberto, but you are still not allowed to go off racing with the Bicycling Magazine Masters Team—no matter how much they offer you this time.

 
302410/11/2008 2:52:00 PMARC
Staff

HUMP REPORT

1) Rudolph Napalitano

For the second week in a row, and in a hotly contested finish, The Hump was taken by Rudolph Napalitano.

Actually, only second was hotly contested, because Rudolph breezed to the finish easily pacing about 20 yards off the FRONT of the FRONT of the FRONT FRONT Group—who were all working like dogs trying to keep him in sight.

Looks like Rudolph figured out where the finish is.

Somebody surely took second, third, etc, but those details were lost in the barrage of epithets being thrown back and forth by Widder and SlingShot, which went something like this.

"Did you see his legs!? That skin!? Those muscles!?" THAT ASS!!?

"Mary, just shut the fuck up!! There are other riders here, you know."

"Oh, sorry, I guess that was rude. I'll stop... but did you see those legs, that skin...?"

"WIDDER!!"

 Everybody. Just shut the fuck up.

 
302310/10/2008 3:37:00 PMPalletmanNice numbers, SlingShot.

Personally I've been focused on .38 or .45, temple or palate.

 Might I suggest buckshot through the dentures.

 
302210/10/2008 3:13:00 PMSlingShot179.6

 Yeah! Only 27 lbs to go.

 
302110/9/2008 10:16:00 PMJOHey SlingShot,

I heard some people talking at Clayton and Delaney's about how you finally showed up for a Thursday night ride and punished them so bad they never want you back.

 That's right. Each and every one of the motherfuckers.

Every time they dropped me, a different one got punished to come back and get me.

By the end of it, each one in turn had pulled me back to the group, and everybody decided they all wished they had never even heard of cycling.

 
302010/9/2008 5:19:00 PMCrankyHi P'man : )

He's not so fat anymore. SlingShot motored up Old Mansion Road. The rest of us wanted to go straight home on the flat trail.

Mary Beth

 Not true. SlingShot is too a fat bastard some more.

 
301910/9/2008 5:17:00 PMPalletmanHi Cranky,

As you know, I showed up for the Tuesday Joe-Fix-It's ride (even though it is officially ended for the season), in order to make sure any stagglers still showing up would get the memo.

Sure enough, the Widder was there with her husband that fat bastard, SlingShot.

I saw that you and some others were pulling in for the ride, so I left.

I assume the Widder and her fat bastard husband went out with you guys and caused the usual problems.

 Uh oh. This can't end well.

 
301810/6/2008 6:35:00 PMTurtle
Baby
When the weather starts getting colder, my nose always runs while I'm cycling.

Any suggestions?

EXTRA
LINK...
No.

 
301710/5/2008 9:34:00 PMddoTHere. Show her this. >>>

EXTRA
LINK...
Probably won't help.

She'll just make up some nonsense about being on her father's computer all weekend, and it is filtered, so he never has to see the word: motherfucker.

Apparently his life has been bad enough just knowing Cranky.

 
301610/5/2008 9:11:00 PMSlamCrankIs that a moose in her hand, or is she just glad to see us?

 Sure looks like a moose.

 
301510/5/2008 9:04:00 PMJODid you know that Cranky didn't realize Rudolph Napalitano was actually at the Hump on Saturday… even though it was pre-reported that he would be there and then posted that he won?!

 We only know of one other person who thoughtlessly skim-reads with the same assured unwavering regularity as Cranky. >>>

EXTRA
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301410/5/2008 4:38:00 PMIron
Mike
Norton
I saw the strangest thing on the (McQuade) Brotherhood Winery Ride today… scary, actually.

It was on the return climb back up to the outlook on 218.

At the next to the last hill just before the overlook, I was on the West Point group's wheel, and we had just passed a bunch of people at the bottom.

When I realized it was just me and West Point (and we were now far away from all those people we dropped at the bottom), I realized this was just like that old epic story we all read about way back when—the one with West Point on this very same ride.

Maybe I was delirious with excitement, because just as we were cresting the hill (where you would never expect it), a calm serene quiet voice with not a hint of stress in it said, "You are doing great, Mike. Keep up the good work."

I glanced over, and on my right shoulder it was the ghost of SlingShot.

I didn't even know the guy was dead!

 That's the kind of sighting you should probably keep to yourself, Mike.

People are more likely to believe you were abducted by a UFO and received an alien anal probe.

 
301310/4/2008 10:53:00 PMJOI heard you finally fucked up real good.

 That's right.

Tonight Widder showed me how she can finally get up out of an armchair for the kitchen table by pushing herself up to arm length with her hands, holding it, then pushing up to a full stand with one leg.

That was one of the exercises I started her on a few months ago, after I realized that she was still stumbling on her cycling power stands after a few months working on them.

She hadn't done the armchair exercise for a few weeks, so I asked her to try one again.

She came back excited.

"I couldn't even do one of those before. Now I can do repeats with no pain in my feet or my knees."

"That's great. Would you like to hear about the Master Class Grand Prix Dressage version?"

"Sure."

"Put your leg out straight. Put your other foot under the chair. Put both arms straight out in front of you. Go to the top. Now go all the way to the floor and come back up!"

"Bullshit. I wouldn't even be able to come up from the chair that way. Now you are just fucking with me. I've never heard of such a thing."

"Gymnasts do it all the time. Here come over to the computer."

I googled "one legged squat."

Now she's already got almost a full squat on each leg by using the table and couch for balance and assist.

Maybe it was the video of somebody jumping one legged up onto a 30 inch table holding dumbells and continuing into reps of single legged squats that really got her going.

She said, "Wow!!! That makes me feel great, and I was starting to feel lethargic."

"Why do you think people keep doing this stuff?"

I probably should have kept my mouth shut.

Fifty-four year old menopausal women are not supposed to find out about these things.

 
301210/4/2008 4:09:00 PMARC
Staff

HUMP REPORT

1) Rudolph Napalitano

No surprise here… despite his having no idea whatsoever where the ride began, nor where the sprint ended.

As for other highlights: Crackhead Ryan won a copy of the Walsh book for winning the Hill Before Cross Road Prime, which SlingShot observed from the bottom barely a moment after the second group passed him with Crackhead apparently wrapped up tight in back.

When that second group (Lynn's) made this final pass on SlingShot, he stuck a tack in Crackhead's rear tire, glanced down to catch his breath, and by the time he looked up again Crackhead was already way off the front substantiating his significant anorexic creds.

Along with the book comes the title: King of the Bathroom Scale.

Amercian Road Cycling must apologize to Crackhead for only being able to provide a slightly used copy of the book which evidences significant salt damage on every page due to SlingShot's tears cascading over them as he read.

Another happening of note was Nuclear Dan Buckley kicking SlingShot's ass at the end of the ride which was by that point so removed from any other group on the ride, we are still reviewing if we can even call it the Hump.

That is also no surprise.

 Will Twin Lynn Meyer please report to the front desk and pick-up your tire tack.

BTW: Well boys, since your little ploy with Rudolph Napalitano worked out so well to get you nothing, next time you may as well go ahead and tell him it's a race.

BTBTW: As for Rudolph Napalitano, you can stop trying to figure out where the race was, just know this: you beat out a former Empire Games Gold Medalist and a World Cup Master's Third Place Finisher in order to win it—and they knew where the finish line was!

 
301110/3/2008 10:33:00 PMARC
Staff

PRE-HUMP REPORT

Slated to make an appearance at tomorrow's Hump is this guy. >>>

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Widder demanded the addition of this photo saying, "Cranky needs to see this!" >>>

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301010/3/2008 2:28:00 PMTurtle
Boy
Thanks for standing up for me, but I've got better things to do than race on a bicycle.

Today I'm taking Basement Man to work, shopping, then to find a prostitute.

 Why?

Did you promise him that if he came to America you'd get him hooked up with a woman without back hair and a moustache?

 
300910/3/2008 2:11:00 PMSlingShotYesterday, I showed up with the Widder for an easy ride on the Heritage Trail when immediately began the unforcast rain.

I said, "Shit. Things couldn't get any worse."

Instantly Joe Straub showed up, and despite my understanding this was his very first ride after his recovery from a broken scapula, I said, "Well… I guess things just got worse. But now they surely can't get any worser."

Then Joe said, "Andreas is on his way."

At that point I stopped speculating on worse, and worser.

However, turns out it was a pretty comfortable ride, all things considered, despite the rather severe downpour which washed out of the "dry but cloudy" sky.

[Fuck the weather channel.]

At one point Joe said, "I need some truth here. Is Turtle Boy serious about joining us on the Westwood Velo team?"

Most people are aware that Joe, Andreas, and Glenn have bailed on the local pretend team in order to do some actual racing with some real riders.

Widder (who has ongoing e-mail with Turtle Boy) piped, "Well, the true truth truth is that he's just fucking with you."

And I added, "You know that he just got offered a spot on the Bicycling Magazine Master's Team, and he turned that down."

Andreas increduously asked, "Why'd he get offered that?"

"Because he's Humberto Cavalheiro, that's why! But he's not really interested in racing."

Joe says, "Why not?"

I explained, "Because he's not an idiot. That's why. He's got a wife, kids, and business resbonsibilities. He's not going to risk his health and well-being on racing."

Once you've accompanied George Hincapie to orchestrate break-away's that stuck in the NYC Pro races (way back when), I guess you can pretty much assume you've been there and done that when anybody mentions bicycle racing."

Joe said (rubbing his broken scapula), "Yeah, but if he just doesn't do EPO, he should be ok."

Said I, "Then why bother?"

 Sounds like you just finished Walsh's book.

 
300810/3/2008 12:01:00 AMYEAHYEAH! Biden won the debate. YEAH! Palin won the debate. 
300710/2/2008 9:00:00 PMSlamCrankFun's over, kiddies. Joe Straub is back on his bike.

 Yeah, but Cranky had on the blue shorts. [wow]

 
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