American Road Cycling

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2005 - Old 's

"All the New's Too Old to Print!"

Please read WARNING below.                                                       Whoops! TOO FUCKING LATE!

WARNING: If strong language offends, please leave this site NOW.

Please read WARNING above.                                                       Whoops! TOO FUCKING LATE!



American Road Cycling (SlingShot) apologizes for any inconvenience caused by FORMS refusing to submit appropriately. Also American Road Cycling is quite sure everybody had a lot of ill will to spread that never got smeared around and is sorry to have missed out on it.

The Black Widow found the problem, woke up SlingShot, and made him fix it.


THIS IS RICH: While confirming American Road Cycling is still the top (non-paid) return for all the major search engines, SlingShot came across this.

Get ready to pee your pants, and do a search for American Road Cycling at:



YEAR END REPORT: Except for goin' from zero to the top of all the major search engines in less than 6 months, plus being forced to donate $200 TO OCBC, nothin' much happened.

Well, there was this...





TODAY'S HUMP: Humberto showed up. Case closed.


$200 TO OCBC

Original Submittal

This letter for Mr. Boob Faggot:

I no lika you Boob Faggot, first you maka fun of my son the Bianchi now you say you no lika my brownies. Maybe I comea to your house and kicka you ass. Tullio lika the brownies. Gino lika the brownies. Even Fausto lika the brownies. Everybody lika the brownies. Whats the matter for you potts. I no see what that nicea woman Mary see in you Boob Faggot. You tella that nicea woman she can visit anytime for the espresso and brownies but you nota welcome ina the house or I kicka you ass.

My son the Bianchi tell me you only kidding about the brownies, he calla it trash talking. I think when I  seea you in the spring I kicka you ass and putta you in the trash. You tella your wife Merry Christmas asa for you Boob, baci il mio asino italiano. See you ina the spring.

Esteemed Mother of Esteemed President
of the other bike club and if you don't like
it I kicka you ass,

Mother of The Bianchi

American Road Cycling Response

[For all you students of choreography, this American Road Cycling response ends with SlingShot doing a little Church Lady Dance, shuffling off into the distance toward hiatus.]

Turns out the left over letter above (mentioned below) comes from the matriarch, not the pasty-arse.

American Road Cycling was thrown off briefly, until receiving the report that only a single Italian phrase existed in the letter. At first we thought the whole thing was in Italian and from Bianchi himself, so sent it out to the translators.

But, speaking of that Italian phrase. DING...the duck drops down with the magic word 'asino' in its mouth, and Big Bianchi's mom wins $200. We are pretty sure Big Mother wishes the money to be donated to OCBC, so American Road Cycling is sending out the check today.

Really, this has nothing to do with Tulio, Gino, and Fausto, nor SlingShot's knee caps, nor the Big Mother telling us in a private meeting (while stroking the side of her cheek with the back of her fingers) that we probably would like to do it thus. It is just that the magic word was uttered.

American Road Cycling picked 'asino' as the magic word assuming the chances of somebody saying anything in Italian on this site would be next to never, but well, anyway.

This "donation" is in no way to be considered as a "SlingShot finally joins the club" situation. He still adamantly refuses to do so but will probably start showing up for all the rides illegitimately in order to keep tabs on the American Road Cycling investment.

The matter of how the money will be used by the club is of course totally out of our hands (and not just because the Brownie Maker told us so), but SlingShot does hope the money will be used to send the Taliban off to some junior college where they can learn about how words (such as SPIN BITCH) can't hurt you but ignorance can.

He also hopes (pretty fervently) that the donation will meet with Tulio, Gino, Fausto, the Big, his mother and everybody else's approval. Not that any undo pressure was applied in the strong arming.

Actually, little local clubs need all the help they can get and shouldn't waste valuable resources trying to pressure the likes of SlingShot into joining. They should focus their energies on somebody worth the effort. SlingShot suggests, "Oh, I don't know, maybe somebody like, I don't know, say, KEVIN HALEY?!"


HIATUS UPDATE: A clerical error as been found which reveals an American Road Cycling omission occurred just before our going on hiatus. An unnoticed submittal from Esteemed American Road Cycling President & His Royal Highness Grand High Falutin Poobah of a Local Bike Club, Rich (Big Bianchi) Lawrence was found which explains the situation regarding his Mother's Brownies.

Unfortunately Italian passages exist that still require translation, so look for the pre return-to-hiatus reporting that should appear on this page soon.

Additionally, the customary American Road Cycling Google search reveals that American Road Cycling remains the top return on all the major search engines, but no further mention has been made of Kevin Haley anywhere on the Internet since the American Road Cycling forms were shutdown.

That situation needs repair, so tell all your friends a Kevin Haley update is coming soon, otherwise see the 12/17/05 WINTER HIATUS notification below.

68°, sunny, 25+ miles at 19.2 average, wherein the Black Widow had her butt handed to her by a portly SlingShot owing to no hills being available for her foul manipulations. But that's just the way it is in Florida.


WINTER HIATUS: American Road Cycling has just finished its yearly backup of all files and is packing up to go down to Florida for Spring Training. While on hiatus, the American Road Cycling Membership Form and Query Form have been disabled to better serve the cycling community. [Note: The Query Form was updated and reopened along with the Membership Form on 12/21/05,  when the clerical error was addressed with a $200 American Road Cycling donation to OCBC, just four days after this hiatus notification. Same with the e-address mentioned next.] This will give everybody a chance to catch up on their reading of the American Road Cycling web site, which already has more stuff on it than anybody really wants to read anyway. SlingShot's e-mail address will also cease functioning. Though it will not obviously block incoming e-mail, so as to best throw off the spammers, it will merely become a bottomless pit from which replies will never come. A black hole of wasted effort.

Happy Hiatus! And we leave you with this:


"Peoples' Mothers were mentioned."

- Dr. Art
- Fast Jimmy
- Twin George
- Kevin Haley

We can't quite remember who said this, describing afterwards the ensuing events when Kevin, Fast Jimmy, and George followed a car (who had dangerously cut off a Sunday morning ride) into a church parking lot. We think it was Art, but maybe it was Fast Jimmy, or Twin George, or maybe it was Kevin Haley.



Original Submittal

What's with all the hostility here lately? Someone's been sippin' on the Hate-o-rade a bit too much... can't we all just get along?

Also, as Foreign Correspondent, I'd like to post the following Fees Schedule:

1) Answers........ $1.00
2) Answers which require thought..... $2.00
3) Correct answers...... $4.00

(Dumb looks are free, and given more than any of the above)

Frank Guarnuccio
Esteemed American Road Cycling President &
American Road Cycling Foreign Correspondent as
Chief of Staff in the
Dark Horse Cycles Office
(not that he works there, he just wanders in and buys cycling doodads when business is good)

American Road Cycling Response

American Road Cycling's first reaction was, "What hostility?"

Then one of the girls from a branch office (cute little thing, not at all like this), came up with the idea that maybe we should do a survey before responding.

So we asked a few dozen of Liz "Martha Stewart" Latrine's personal staff, and it turns out there is in fact a lot of hostility. Most of it (that which doesn't come directly from Liz herself) stems from the recent increase in fees for so-called American Road Cycling ancillary services such as Answers, Thought, and Correctness.

Well, you get what you pay for, so if things such as ATC are important to you, just ask Frank and pass the money along to the American Road Cycling Home Office. We'll let Frank take a look at the treasure room once it gets full enough for a good impression.

As for American Road Cycling, we consider ATC to be demeaning, and insulting. Especially the C part.

Actually, the first reaction was probably the best, "What hostility?"

 - SlingShot
Esteemed American Road Cycling President


Follow-up Comment

RE: Frankly Speaking


Thanks for clearing that up...carry on.

Frank Guarnuccio
Esteemed American Road Cycling President &
American Road Cycling Foreign Correspondent as
Chief of Staff in the
Dark Horse Cycles Office

American Road Cycling Response

Ai, Ai! Will do cap'n. Though American Road Cycling does have a slight feeling that you were no fun at all. You fell right over!



Original Submittal


You pompous pachyderm, if you were a dues paying member of the other club you would know who Little Lance is.

This guy eats lightning and craps thunder. He resides deep in the bowels of Twin Lynn's basement chained to a Computrainer.

Although he has the IQ of a watermelon, that's still 10 points higher than yours. When it's time for him to eat, we roll out a life size statue of you and put his food next to it.

As far as he is concerned you're just a big Rump roast, or come spring a Hump roast. After he is finished with you, I'm going to stick a Big Gulp in your hand and retire you to Dr. Art's 7-Eleven display, since he's always looking for old relics. OOORAAH...

P.S. Thanks for the support Mary, it seems you're the one with the common sense, you receive extra brownie points.

Rich (Big Bianchi) Lawrence
Esteemed American Road Cycling President &
His Royal Highness Crown Prince of a Local Bike Club

American Road Cycling Response

Jeez! Isn't that just typical. Give someone a little bit of a title and immediately they think they are allowed to speak.

The Little Lance training regimen does seem a bit over engineered; but, just in case, I'll have to start leaving for the Hump 47 minutes early, instead of my standard 45.

Otherwise, that paragraph about the watermelon IQ is total bullshit! Well, the IQ part is correct (if in fact Little Lance is as smart as you say), but I'm sure your whole fucking club doesn't have enough money to pay for a full "life size" statue of SlingShot. Since I'm not paying my dues, no way there's enough in the slush fund to cover cost of materials for the ass cheeks alone!

Of course, I'll gladly accept the Big Gulp, but you will be sorely disappointed to find that all the relics Dr. Art collects have some value attached to them. So forget about the donation of the SlingShot carcass. But nice try...hoping to get your own likeness added to ROAD RASH COMICS.

And you've already been warned about those fucking brownies. Mary may be stupid enough to join your little poker fest, but she sure knows better than to put the saturated fat of one of those "40,000 calories of pure sugar rush Bianchi's Mom's Brownies" into her mouth. She'll just feed it to the Shot, just like she started feeding him everything else in sight after she stopped being able to drop him on the big climbs towards the middle of last summer. So please get one to her as soon as possible.

Now, if you'll excuse me, I have to go and try to convince Palletman that you actually wrote something in English.

BTW: Does Little Lance happen to have the world's best red hair, and was anything left on the dinner plate? If so, make sure Little Lance never hears about this web site (because it's not for kids), and pass the potatoes.

- SlingShot
Esteemed American Road Cycling President



FREE LIZ "Martha Stewart" Latrine!!!

After we held the above headline at the top of the page all day, we received the following from Liz:

Thanks for the support.....Will you come visit me if they imprison me for 15 days???

Liz Latrine
Esteemed American Road Cycling President

Guess some explanation is in order here. For background you have to know something about Liz.

First off, she's the wife of Paul, which already calls her sanity into question. But the reference to "Martha Stewart" goes further than the askance reference to jail time. Actually, Liz makes Martha look like a half-baked half-measure hack who just doesn't care. Liz is significantly more compulsive, controlling, and prone to micro-managing every single one of the fashionable little details of her life, and all those around her, than The Martha could ever hope to be.

For example, under Liz's charge are 7 of the top 10 Exxon On the Run convenience marts in the country. And we are pretty sure Exxon had to make up the other 3 stores just so it would appear a modicum of competition exists for the top spots.

Sounds stupid don't it? Best of breed On the Run's?—until you walk into one of Liz's and realize it's like going to Disney World. Really, if you compare one of her stores to any of the others around here, you'll know its true for fucking sure and won't need American Road Cycling to convince you.

The Martha of reference wouldn't even consider taking on such a task like those Gots the Runs. She prefers to work with things that have a good dose of cache wrapped around them already.

So, take another look at Paul, Grant, and the New Guy's digs in Liz's basement. Now think of Liz on Paul's ass during the whole build, think of her unrelenting "suggestions" and her incessant fine tuning of all business processes...and the results you see photo'd on the web site all makes perfect sense.

Throughout the rest of the Latrine Mansion, Liz maintains tight control over a staff of a dozen or so maids, hand maidens, gardeners, and domestiques, all cleaning, primping and setting up the perfect environment in which Queen Liz handily wields her iron will. At least that's what it seems like.

Security is outsourced to Humberto.

There is a moment during most conversations where Liz gets to the place that we in the know are always waiting anxiously for her to arrive. And we have never been disappointed. It is that moment when she bolts straight upright on her bony little stick legs and exclaims, "That's it! I'm not budging on this!"

And she doesn't.

Hold all those pictures in your head and introduce the little scene that happened yesterday before the Criminal Court Judge in Lake Placid, and that after the three hour drive needed to get in the correct position to face the music.

Apparently, when Paul and Liz were in Lake Placid for the Iron Man in July, Liz sideswiped another car...then RAN!

Well, technically she didn't run, but she got out of her car, saw there was no damage, and drove off. Got about a block before the cop, with witnesses, grabbed her scrawny ass and set up a little meeting with the Judge.

You do the math. In any given run-in with Liz and a Judge, who do you think is going to have Right on their side? Who do you think is going to end up, "...not budging on this!"

We did the math ourselves and fully expected the maximum 15 day jail time and $250 dollar fine would be served, plus a shit load of Contempt of Court. We envisioned something like, "Contemp of Court? Why I have nothing BUT contempt for this moldy piece of shit court...including your little asshole lawyer DA trying to prosecute me! Why, I NEVER!"

But it never happened. Liz got off Scott fucking free, with an apology besides. Just like The Martha did, more or less. Guess starved to the bone Blonde Bitches get some pretty major percs in this little beauty obsessed society of ours.

What a disappointment. If Liz had actually done hard time, SlingShot would have been glad to attend all her little soirees for the rest of forever, with a smile on his face besides.

- American Road Cycling Pool Reporter


FRESH MEAT: As of 12/14/05, 2:46 PM, Dan (Palletman) McNeilly became the sixth (6th) person ever to actually submit a Membership Form to American Road Cycling. This after much preparatory messaging. Plus he becomes the first ever to be automated into full fledged "Presidency," which he was probably hoping to avoid.

Dan is therefore awarded 7 more full time memberships to pass out to his friends (assuming he has any), and is now a Permanent President who should be targeted by all complaints regarding American Road Cycling.

It is now officially, "ALL HIS FAULT!"


- SlingShot
Esteemed American Road Cycling President



Original Submittal

Dear Mr. SlingShot:

Would you please check the authenticity of your recent communication signed Rich (Big Bianchi) Lawrence. I believe the tone and character of said communication to be so out of character with Mr. Lawrence that it must be a forgery.

If said communication is in fact from Mr. Lawrence can you let him know that any future nominations and/or seconding of nominations by him, of me, to be president of ARC will be met with a move to elect him "President for Life" of that other local bike club (I hear he's doing a terrific job), but I'm trying to fall off this radar screen.

By the way, if you know of anyone on the nominating committee that may be traveling in the near future have them check their reservations. I have been told that a nasty computer virus has been going around losing peoples reservations. I wouldn't want to make them paranoid.

Dan (Palletman) McNeilly
Esteemed American Road Cycling President

American Road Cycling Response

Per Palletman's request American Road Cycling has inspected the web logs and found the problem was not in the misrepresentative tone of Bianchi's letter, but in its astounding revelation that Rich can actually have a point of view. But SlingShot has a way of putting opinions into the heads of people who never had 'em before. Too bad Big hadn't developed that trait before he let that tiny club of pokers sucker him into being the whipping post for the duration.

Along with our web log review, it was also noted that the letter came in with a great gust of wind that caused everyone to be pulled along in the manner they are accustomed to at the wheel of Big, so that was a secondary confirmation of authorship.

Therefore, American Road Cycling is taking the good advice of esteemed President Palletman's suggestion and has been prompted to insist that the little local club foist "Presidency Eternitas Ad Infintum" onto Mr. Lawrence. His Seinfeld-character-like "Putty-tude" will assure his inability to mount a successful challenge.

Unfortunately, American Road Cycling has no control over would-be local organizations, so called, but is taking action under its own aegis internally to make Palletman an "Emeritus Esteemed American Road Cycling President," with no chance of parole. This coincides with the several instances recently of Mr. McNeilly putting in his 2¢ and so acquiring several lifetime memberships.

We will also pass on the information about the travel virus. When Lynn and Greg return, we will let them know. Not that Lynn should in any way be implicated in any of this nomination nonsense. She is not out to hurt anybody, just stay in front of their wheel.

Plus we are sure she had no hand in Bianchi writing us.

Otherwise, it is pretty easy to fall off Bianchi's radar. Just pick up the pace to around 12 mph on the next hill and remind him how he plans to stay in his big chain ring for the next millennium.

- SlingShot
Esteemed American Road Cycling President

Editor's Note: Too bad about the pallet business being so fucking slow this time of year and providing gobs of time for worthless diversion.



Original Submittal

Will the real president please stand up, or should I say shut-up and pull.

Anyway, first you tried to pass off that picture of Demi Moore in GI Jane as the Black Widow, and now you made everybody President. The only reason you don't know who the Palletman is because he has been kicking your sorry Chipwich butt all year long, so I'd like to second that nomination.

You had better hurry up and get your sorry posterior to Florida and start riding because next year Little Lance will be looking for you and all he needs is a can of Coke with a bag of potato chips to kick your a- -.

Rich (Big Bianchi) Lawrence
Esteemed American Road Cycling President &
His Royal Highness Crown Prince of a Local Bike Club

American Road Cycling Response

Well this is sad indeed. Apparently Bianchi is beside himself over his most recent election to Grand Poobah status of the local bike club, and is trying to bail out already by asserting his Presidency in American Road Cycling.

The Black Widow tells us there is a note online about how Big was elected unopposed. That is bullshit, because we are sure Rich was himself opposed to the whole thing, but couldn't get out of it without saying no.

At least the regime change has provided the impetus for Big Bianchi to bring closer to fruition of his sleeper cell groundwork by reminding American Road Cycling of his presence within the ranks.

Otherwise, it is more likely his current letter is merely an attempt to get in good with an organization that has hundreds of Presidents, not just one singular individual whom shit is to be thrown at on a daily basis, such as is the procedural default of the local club.

Realizing the security threat posed by having members of that defamed local club breaching the borders of common sense to infiltrate American Road Cycling, we can only beg all our own members to counter attack by paying their dues and signing up for the local club.

In fact, the Black Widow has gotten so excited about Rich Lawrence becoming the local club's Prez, that she is herself going to join it this year. So Bianchi better prepare himself by taking a look at: THIS LINK.

Of course, SlingShot still refuses to join because he says the Taliban still owns that shit ass club news media. Ever see mention of American Road Cycling in their Newsletter? Of course not!

So please join up and help us put a stop to their nonsense. We're pretty sure there's a few bucks in it for you from Rich, if you will just help him get out of his current predicament by electing some other poor schmuck next time around.

In order to clarify Bianchi's letter, American Road Cycling is providing a brief elaboration of the last line.

The last line, " kick your a--" was obviously censored by the Taliban before it was allowed to leave his desk.

What Rich (aka: Big Bianchi, sometimes, Big Mig, for our purposes Ricky Retardo) probably meant to say was, " kick you mother-fucking, cock-sucking, dick-smoking, worthless, shit infested, slow ass'd titty tight sphincter." But he was disallowed to speak freely. He'll get back in the swing of things once they've worn him down and spit him out over the next decade or two.

Also, who or what the hell is "Little Lance"? Is that a new club member, or just what Bianchi is calling his own little member these days?

Plus Palletman was unknown only because he was unknown, and he most certainly never beat SlingShot. Maybe one time he finished the Hump ahead of him, but that was because SlingShot screwed up and left less than 45 minutes early.

Although one may get ahead of SlingShot (and stay there past the end) he is in fact unbeatable—by his own admission.

In any case, Palletman is no longer unknown, but proudly wears the mantle of esteemed American Road Cycling President.

For cripes sake, Palletman has never even beaten Kevin Haley, and beats Chester Pete only when he shows up for a ride.

- SlingShot
Esteemed American Road Cycling President




Original Submittal


Go ahead and pay the private investigator. He has found your lost twin brother and he is a teacher.

Dangerous Dan Sullivan
Esteemed American Road Cycling President

American Road Cycling Response

Thanks, Dan. The check is in the mail to the investigator. I'm sure I can count on you to not reverse the favor and tell my brother where you have found me.

- SlingShot
Esteemed American Road Cycling President



Original Submittal

In response to being called a client of Paul's:

As noted, I was formerly a client of Paul's. At this point the LOS has dropped to random name calling and the occasional request for money and favors. So I am just a guy who knows Paul and gets bikes from Grant.

Since it seems that Paul may or may not have been beaten by my alter ego
I may even be in the category of Friend?

Kevin Hetzel (Zirra)
American Road Cycling, Esteemed President
& Cyclist at Large (very large)

"Line up for the FAUXHAWK revolution"

American Road Cycling Response

American Road Cycling apologizes to esteemed President, Kevin Hetzel (Zirra) for calling him the most lowly of pale losers (that is to say a client of Paul's), but we had no choice. We were running out of bad things to say about Zilloid riders.

Only in deference to his new position as Cyclist at Large (very large), are we even running his response, because for the love of fuck we have no idea what the term 'LOS' means.

Must be some sort of cyberspeak. Maybe we should hook him up with esteemed President, Frank Guarnuccio, who is studying these things.

Somebody remind me to never again check my e-mail and web form submittals anywhere near Dinner time on cold dark snowy early evenings in December. Jeez, people. Get a Computrainer and get on it. I think Paul sells 'em through Grant and is giving friends a discount, if they promise not to use it.

Zirra Update States:

At first Paul is on the highest order when delivering his LOS, but as the relationship grows commensurate with the number of bikes purchased. The LOS goes down as the number of purchases go up.

Editor's Note: Well, that explains it. We must be the best of friend's with Paul, 'cause he won't even return our phone calls anymore. And Grant scurries out of the room as soon as we show up looking for esteemed American Road Cycling President, Godzilla. Guess we'll just have to buy another Ottrott to get him move outa town altogether. BTW: Paul asked if we could see if Dr. Art has $20 bucks he could borrow, or at least a new ROAD RASH COMIC.

Previous: AIIEEE



Original Submittal

RE: My Nomination for Foreign Correspondent

1) That's the LAST time I mention being friends with ANYBODY!

2) How many foreign languages do I have to learn, and how fast?

...and 3) Does this mean I actually have to ride with you people next year?

Foreign Correspondent Dark Horse Cycles
& Esteemed President Elect,
Frank Guarnuccio

American Road Cycling Response

Too bad you didn't think ahead a little, cause now Gerome ANYBODY has just been elected esteemed President on your say so. And the degree to which he is pissed off, has broken several American Road Cycling trip computers.

Otherwise, the number of languages you need to learn will be your decision based on your own independent research. Please report back when you've figured out how many dialects of patois Creole cycling yammerish they are sputtering over on the other side of the County. We sure ain't goin' over there to find out...too close to those OCC buttspreads.

And as for whether you must ride with us next year...FUCK NO. We'd prefer if you didn't. "Just shutup and pull"


Real Time Follow-Up


1) Aah Crap!


American Road Cycling Response Renew


Now excuse me while I go see what esteemed President Zirra's problem is.





Original Submittal

Dearest Slingshot,

Thanks for the revealing photo of Zirra. Revealing because now I know who it was that kicked my ass one day last summer. Well, here's the whole story.

I was approaching the top of Ridgebury when I noticed some big guy who was literally snorting flames as he climbed. He was certainly fierce, but Ridgebury was putting a hurting on him. Then I noticed Paul was soft pedaling up ahead and waiting for the big guy. I thought to myself, the big guy must be a friend of Paul's. No, scratch that...he must be a client of Paul's, that's why Paul was being nice. By this time, the Losers and I had passed them both by. "Ha," I figured, "I won't see either one of them again today, that big guy can't climb worth a damn."

And so, I didn't give them a second thought. Until the point--somewhere along the hills in the Oil City area-- when Godzilla returned.

He caught us from behind and blasted through our pack, just like his namesake blasts through entire blocks of office buildings. Nothing could stop him. It was carnage. And just like the movie, Godzilla never noticed the little people he was running over, making toe jam out of them. He just kept on going.

Unless, of course, that wasn't him?

Twin Lynn Meyer
Esteemed President, American Road Cycling

American Road Cycling Response

Yep, that was him!

But you shouldn't have mentioned that part about esteemed President, Zirra being a client of esteemed President, Paul's, because Paul always tries to hide that fact from all the poor bastards who are. I know he does it, because Paul confides in me, and I'm not one of his clients. I have only 2 Ottrotts, and the Black Widow only has one Ottrott and an Hors Categorie, so we have totally avoided being one of his clients. Plus we are sure that we are not his clients, because Paul told us we aren't—we are his friends. When Paul said that, I got all warm and fuzzy inside, and started my plans to buy another Ottrott, or Seven, or Guru, or whatever my friend is selling.

In any case, American Road Cycling will right your mal adroit faux pas by not mentioning to Zirra that he's a client of Paul's. That should keep the searing fire breath off Paul's butt for a little while longer. Later last summer, the God-man himself spent some of his own time soft-pedaling for Paul. [Didn't we all?]

BTW: Congratulations on becoming an esteemed American Road Cycling President.

Plus you also shouldn't be calling the Single A's "losers." That's esteemed President, SlingShot's job. At least until he beats them.

BTBTW: Apologies to Kevin Haley for our use of the term BASTARD above, so fully out of Kevin Haley context. It just seemed to fit. In the future we will make sure the term BASTARD never refers to anything or anybody but Kevin Haley.

Oh yeah, I think Dan (Palletman) McNeilly might be looking for you.

Next: HUH
Very Beginning:



Original Submittal

I have taken up a new profession...Hair Dresser.

What do you think of the FAUXHAWK?

Gonna be the hottest thing since ice cream!


American Road Cycling Response

Except that ice cream doesn't make us want to puke.

Otherwise, esteemed President, Twin Lynn reported excitement to find out who American Road Cycling has been abuzz about on notice of the last Zirra photo, then she was disappointed on seeing the photo, but now she'll get to see the real mazilla.

Editor's Note:
Excuse us while we mention esteemed President, Paul Latrine and esteemed President, Kevin Haley, else they'll lose  interest.

Very Beginning: This is it.



Original Submittal

Realizing this is a losing battle, I will adhere to the American Road Cycling motto and "Just shutup and pull".

To the American Road Cycling muckity muck who nominated me, "Prepare for retribution.....this could be a long winter."

Dan (Palletman) McNeilly
President, American Road Cycling

American Road Cycling Response

Apparently, our esteemed President, Dan McNeilly, has finally caught on. Although we would like to help him track down the source of his appointment, so he may mete out the appropriate punishment, American Road Cycling still refuses to divulge unnamed sources. However, we might suggest Palletman could start out on esteemed President, Lynn Meyer, just for practice.

That's because esteemed President, SlingShot would truly enjoy witnessing any retributive action against Twin, whether she's the actual rat or not. We hear she may be available over the winter months in one or more spin classes.

Esteemed President, Twin George would probably second that idea, were he in his right mind and available for comment. He spent most of his childhood on the receiving end of Lynn's shenanigans which probably came pretty close to looking like what George finally caught on camera coming from the Black Widow, except younger and uglier.

In fact, a large number of our other esteemed Presidents are likely to be in total agreement. Most of them are equally upset at having been named President, and Lynn's as good a place as any to start tossing out payback.


Next: NA



Original Submittal

I guess the "Mr. Slingshot" shit didn't work.

Dan (Palletman) McNeilly
President, American Road Cycling

American Road Cycling Response

Actually it worked perfectly. Just not the way you thought. As the now legendary Randy Dakan (&R) was once overheard telling somebody at the top of Sunrise Mountain who whined, "When will I get a nom?" Randy replied, "Don't worry. You'll get one eventually. You just won't like it when you do."

Congratulations, Mr. President!






Original Submittal

Dear Mr. Slingshot:
As an avid fan of American Road Cycling I feel that I am just a domestique to the likes of Zirra, Dangerous Dan, Twin George, Twin Lynn, Nuclear Dan,
Black Widow, Iron Mike, Chester Pete, Dr. Art, Iron Mike [sic], Kevin Haley, Joe Straub and the Mayor of Wussville et al. While honored by the nomination to be President of ARC I cannot hold a wheel to the above cast of characters. I therefore respectfully (notice I started off with Mr. Slingshot) request that a more qualified individual be nominated for such a prestigious position as presidency of American Road Cycling.

It is not my time. Please realize that I will continue to promote American Road Cycling to keep it Number 1 on the Internet.


American Road Cycling Response

On the contrary Mr. Palletman. It is in fact your time, and your time is up.

The above letter was of course a response to the ELECTION PROGRESS REPORT enunciated previously and below.

In his letter above Palletman has made a fatal error in that he mentioned numerous people by name, nom, or title. Therefore retribution must follow. He is forthwith elected President. No ifs, ands, or buts, redos, take backsies, or mea culpas. He's the man. His term in Office shall last while SlingShot says it lasts.

Of course, he need not have mentioned that he cannot hold a wheel to those he mentioned...that is a given. Even they cannot hold a wheel to those who were mentioned. Except maybe Kevin Haley might hold briefly onto Joe Straub's wheel, just long enough to give him his regular post Hump castigation and cycling lesson.

So the Palletman has been charged and found particularly suited to the position of President, first and foremost because he is not currently a member of American Road Cycling. Check the list, there are about 727 people on it who are not even themselves members, and Palletman isn't even on that list.

Plus he made use of the term 'et al' which may only be used by regular contributors who are lazy assholes trying to avoid typing stuff out.

But probably most egregious was his statement that he would work to keep American Road Cycling "Number 1 on the Internet." We can't have that kind of shit going on here.

If McNeilly felt like a domestique before, just wait and see what he feels like after 4 years of this crap.

Since we are on the subject, we may as well conclude the rest of the elections. Here's the line-up of new officers:

Frank Guarnuccio - Foreign Correspondent Dark Horse Cycles

Because he made an off-hand comment at Dr. Art's, about how he is friends with the owner, George. (208 in Montgomery is a far-off land)

Twin George Meyer - Photo Journalist

Because he has a camera and took this picture.

Kevin Hetzel (Zirra) - Cyclist at Large (very large)

Because of the wonderful things he does. And he's very large.

Kevin (Bastard) Haley - everything to every man

Because we like to mention his name

Other than that, everybody else will keep their previous titles, with the same responsibilities.

Oh yeah, I almost forgot. In addition to their current titles, all Members and Officers are now given the additional title of: American Road Cycling President.





Dangerous has found a document of historical significance. American Road Cycling is merely awaiting his tendering of the original URL so we can post a link. American Road Cycling never steals anything without tossing a morsel to the source from which it was stolen. Just because the word "American" is in our name, doesn't mean we think everything in the world is ours as you might expect.




Original Submittal

Tell Bob he is a little Pussy whipped homo and should dress up like a French Maid tonight and sit in the corner of the resturant by himself singing Christmas carols. (what a jackass!)
Mary Ellen

American Road Cycling Response

We're not sure what this is in response to, but SlingShot is right now gone into his closet and is looking for appropriate attire.

Maybe it is a response to PAGING MARY ELLEN, and the associated 2 STOCK TIPS.




ELECTION PROGRESS REPORT: American Road Cycling elections are coming up, and an unnamed American Road Cycling big-wig muckity-muck has nominated Dan (Palletman) McNeilly for President.

Since nobody knows him, he is pretty certain to be a shoo in for the spot.

Nominations are made by unnamed sources only, that due to the fact that nominating somebody for a position at American Road Cycling places the person doing so in a very precarious position. People have been known to kick the shit out of whoever has merely mentioned their name in an open meeting. Therefore, American Road Cycling will not divulge who pointed out McNeilly to us, because Lynn Meyer would quickly have her little-bootie ankle-deep up SlingShot's lycra. Besides she wasn't even sure of the spelling of his name anyway.

Otherwise, all appointments will be made by SlingShot, based on whoever has pissed him off the most this year, so no further nominating will be necessary. Kevin Haley will probably become everything, to every man. Women are on their own.

If Dan McNeilly wins, American Road Cycling will have the Black Widow drop back with the slow riders and try to figure out who he is. Then we'll have her drop back further still and tell SlingShot.


Previous: NA
Very Beginning: This is it.


RUMP CANCELLATION: The "Rump" (backwards Hump) has been cancelled until further notice.

Notice of resumption must be published in an approved format. Anybody showing up for the "Rump" will constitute a fully approved, acceptable, and appropriate form of notification. The Hump is probably also functioning under the same guidelines, but it is too cold for us to go out and find out.


REBUTTHOLE: The Black Widow (in response to all this tittering about her small breasts) says, "If big cahungas made you faster, then Paul Latrine would be selling them, and Humberto would have 3 sets—ti, steel, and carbon. And he'd be sporting all three at the same time, all the time.

Look, next summer I'm kicking EVERYBODY's ass, and that's all there is to it. No matter how many derogatory sonnets people write about me."



Why is Mary using both hands doing her pushup? We all know that the one arm pull up and one handed push are in the arsenal.

PS-don't make me take a picture of me doing squats-

- Kevin Hetzel (Zirra)

American Road Cycling's hasty response:

No worries, Zirra. It is beyond unlikely that anybody is ever again going to ask to see your squats, especially after last year's photo sent in by American Road Cycling's Photo Journalist, Twin George.

In any case, many others did realize immediately that Mary's push-up was in fact one handed, even though unhappily, the blue rectangle covered that point, and not much else really.



Well, I'd rather be on Santa's shit list than Slingshot's.

- Twin Lynn Meyer

Idiot's Note: Twin probably has SlingShot confused with the Black Widow...not that SlingShot needs any help from the Widow to cause confusion. See: PAGING MARY ELLEN below, to find out why one would rather not be confused with anybody on the Widow's list...Christmas caroling or no.


Oh, the weather outside is frightful...


FLAGRANT SELF PROMOTION: What SlingShot did before his winter vacation.



"I don't find this stuff amusin' anymore." - Paul Simon


Special American Road Cycling Photo Exclusive: Prepublication special edition first look at Stinkature Silos' new facility in Manhattan.


END GAME: Welcome to the last month of the year. American Road Cycling, which is to say this web site and all Fugett and Friends nonsense, is currently the top return for the phrase American Road Cycling (considering non-sponsored ads) at: google, msn, altavista, and askjeeves. That's pretty much all the major search engines.

Once again, that is Number 1 out of: 2,820,000 at google; 193,983 at msn; 4,800,000 at altavista; and 540,000 at askjeeves.

Just a few more weeks, and we can announce that American Road Cycling finished out the year as the TOP NAME in American Road Cycling.

Some thoughts were bandied about that we should probably try to cash in on it, but when asked for comment SlingShot merely said, "I only did it to prove to myself once again that I could. The ride's the thing. This other stuff is meaningless. It is what it is, and I am that I am."

Then he went out and hijacked the Black Widow's ride, and they both posted personal bests for the year. Big deal.


NAME CHANGE: Dangerous Dan Sullivan has suggested a name change for the American Road Cycling insurgency splinter group, previously reported here as Sucky Cyclists Are Us (SCAU), which is to now be called Sucky Cyclists 'R Us (SCRU).

Therefore, the proper pronunciation has cum to be "ess-screw," or quite possibly "eh...screw-u," or even just "screw."

Too bad Paul Latrine was demoted out of the SCRU cadre into an even lowlier, as yet unnamed, resistance movement ever since and due to Godzirra (Kevin Hetzel) giving him so much pain on Monday's ride.

He would have enjoyed the upgrade from being called merely Garage Boy to now SCRU Paul. Of course, that would make things a lot simpler for him as it is phonetically precisely how his name is generally ejaculated.

Editor's Note: Although this is termed a "name change," American Road Cycling pretty much assumes it was really a case in which the Black Widow got the name wrong during the original spate of Dangerous Dan phone tag.

Kevin Haley was not mentioned.



Hi Bob,

To list Paul's tactics as gleaned from yesterday's ride:

1. Inane questioning to determine heart rate.

2. Pushing pace early to see if you will stick or quit.

3. Conversations used to lull your opponent into getting dropped.

4. Local history lessons to distract from attempted dropping. (e.g., "That corn bin is why we call this Silence of the Lambs...")

5. Running a compact chain-ring so he can stay in the big ring and tell opponent, "Hey I'm still swinging the big stick..."

6. Spending less than .000003% of the ride actually pulling.

7. Going way too deep into the well just so as not to get beat by the fat guy goin' up "Heart Attack Hill."

8. Calling for extra cautious proceeding at cattle crossings just to get a break.

9. Saying out loud that we should always walk our bikes at cross walks, so he can get his HR back under 170.

I am sure I will have more to add.

Zirra  (Kevin Hetzel)

Editor's Note: American Road Cycling is also sure you will have more to add. Paul's full list of tricks would fill volumes. However, the little subterfuge of the compressed chain-ring is considered a State's Secret that American Road Cycling has been aware of for some time, but will never publish. On the other hand, we are sure Mr. Latrine will be appreciative that you gave him much more credit for pulling than he deserves.

BTW: Use the online form. Don't send this stuff via e-mail. SlingShot is tired of spending half his morning deleting all the offers for big dildo's and easy money that invariably follow in on the tails of all regular e-mail coming from Web fixated ne'r do wells.

11/28¾ /05

THE DAN SULLIVAN FACTOR: After hearing the result's of today's ride with Godzilla, Dan Sullivan proposes (successfully) that Paul shall henceforth be downgraded from SCAU (Sucky Cyclists Are Us) to a new more lowly designation, which is yet to be named. Dan feels SlingShot is fully qualified to assume all of Paul's former responsibilities at SCAU. This assures the status quo at SCAU will remain untouched, which is to say there will continue to be two members, now Dan and SlingShot.


SPECIAL LATE SEASON RIDE: Silence of the Lambs, 2:00 pm today, from Paul's. Kevin Haley is specifically requested NOT to be there (see ICICLES below for why), otherwise his ass will be kicked without prejudice. It is rumored Zirra may make an appearance. It is certain that Paul will be vewwy, vewwy qwvuiet, and slow.

Then immediately on publishing the above notice, we received this:

Hey guys looks like we are on for today around 2!!!

I would like to pass on that Paul stated we is in no shape for any hard riding and would like to take it easy-"there will be no attacking or sprints just a nice easy ride"-- So I am thinking this is our chance to punish our fair leader of the climb.

I told Paul that there is no way that I would kick a man while he was down or be so opportunistic to use this chance to get a cheap win.

Everyone knows American Road Cycling maintains a strict policy of never revealing a source, plus never ever kissing and telling. So we are publishing the above note without mentioning Zirra's name as the perpetrator. Otherwise we would have to also use his full name, which is Kevin Hetzel.

As an aside, SlingShot just went out for his walk and saw a cyclist hammering around the corner at the Seligman's old place. Since SlingShot's beaming smile and cheery wave was greeted by a void of silence, not even a glance, the cyclist is assumed to have been Chester Pete.

Joe Straub, Dr. Art, Rich Cruet, The Bicycle Doctor, George at Dark Horse Cycles, Brian at Joe Fix It's, and everybody else can relax.

Pete was working hard, but he wasn't moving very fast. Hopefully for him, he won't wander onto the Silence of the Lambs later today.

We may as well mention Kevin Haley again.


ICICLES (alt: Stalag-tights)

Original Submittal:

FYI. Due to several complaints of frozen testicles last Saturday. The start of the hump was pushed back to 10AM for the winter months. So you don't have to leave until 9:30. Unless you're going to wussie out by going to Florida. Meow!!
Kevin Haley

American Road Cycling Response:

First off, we do not really believe this form submittal came from Kevin, because Mr. Haley is far too big-time to waste his energies on American Road Cycling nonsense.

However, since the asshole who wrote did such a good job of pretending to be that insufferable fuck face Kevin, the missive will be answered just as if it were him.

SlingShot takes considerable offense at Mr. Haley's implication that he must always leave a half hour early for the Hump. It is a well known fact that the half hour offset is done only on days SlingShot is charged with completing Official American Road Cycling Business. Otherwise, he leaves 45 minutes early, usually going backwards doing the Rump instead. Of course, he will not be doing either of these things now that Kevin has pissed him off, but he will instead be leaving for FL as soon as possible...just as soon as he gets the ok from The Mayor of Wussville, Paul Latrine.

The Black Widow wishes to add, "Fuck the cold. I got no testicles to freeze. Let me at 'em! Meow, FPssss!"

Guess I need not remember to mention Kevin Haley this time around.


Hump Report:     "¿Brrr?"



"That turkey is cooked!" - Liz Latrine


THANKSGIVING: American Road Cycling is inviting everybody to meet at Paul's. If we have to be there, you have to be there. Liz is deep-frying turkeys, and everybody gets three sticks of butter as hors d'oeuvres. She says it is all part of her Ass-Cans diet that she's been feeding Paul.

In order to avoid embarrassment by overeating yourself into a massive social faux pas, please stop at Got's the Runs on the way over and have a quart of ice cream.



Everybody try this.

Go to Google, search for American Road Cycling, no quotes, and click through just to screw with Kevin Haley and Grant Salter. Quotes were easy, so no quotes for American Road Cycling. Actually, the italics are not needed either, so just search for American Road Cycling.  Then tell all your friends about it, and about American Road Cycling.

As an aside, a few days ago SlingShot ran into Frank Guarnuccio at Dr. Art's. Frank mentioned that he is a good friend of George at Dark Horse Cycles. Any friend of Frank's is a friend of American Road Cycling, so here's a complimentary link to Dark Horse Cycles. In fact all links at American Road Cycling are complimentary, but you've got to know someone to get one. Of course, the Black Widow does enforce a pretty severe penalty on SlingShot if he forgets to include her, but that's a whole 'nother story.

Don't forget to try that Google thing.


- American Road Cycling proudly presents -

24° - Fast Jimmy (to Nuclear Dan and the Black Widow as they were about to leave the parking lot 1/2 hour early): "We are on to you guys, you know. You can wait and go out with us if you want," meaning the AA's.

The Black Widow clipping in: "No thanks. That's ok."

Fast Jimmy: "No, really. We're goin' easy today. We're doin' Dangerous Dan's pace!"

As the Black and Nuclear hastily leave the parking lot, Mary totally ignores Twin George. Once out on Pumpkin Swamp she asks Dan, "Who was that cute guy talking to Fast Jimmy."

"That was Twin George you dim-witted twit! Jeez."


And the AA's did go slow, for they never caught the cheaters. However, the easy Dangerous Dan pace still proved a tad too tidy for Paul Latrine, Mayor of Wussville, because he never even showed up for the ride—despite a personal invite, "My widdle weggies huht, and i's co'd owside."

Kevin Bastard Haley was observed to be on the ride.




The answer to Life, the Universe and Everything is not 42. Here is the corrected algorithm:



I am a myopic little dickhead. Plus I'm too stupid to adjust the font size on my web browser. Could you make the print bigger?


I JUST CAN'T WIN (Member Mail received re: ELECTION RESULTS below):

My Dearest Robert,

Once again I have noticed inaccuracy creeping into your reporting. Paul is the Mayor of Wussville, not Upper-Wussville. That is like Saddle River and Upper Saddle River. Saddle River is where the rich are from, while Upper Saddle River is where the nouveau riche are from. Paul is a Wussy from Wussville, not a nouveau Wussey from Upper-Wussville.

I only ask that you strive for accuracy when doing political coverage. After all, this is a cycling web site not some Planning Board. - Dan Sullivan

Editors Note: Apologies for the American Road Cycling reporting style. It derives from the large amount of time SlingShot spent with reporters from the Times Herald Record in the aftermath of his resigning from the Town of Chester Planning Board.

He was begging for somebody to do some actual reporting on the incredible level of graft, corruption, and criminal enterprise that the Town of Chester had become. Of course, The Times Herald was more or less the same organization that it remains today. You will recall they recently reported Joe Matta was hit by a truck while riding a motorcycle in the local club's big bicycle ride.

In any case, SlingShot's last duty as an 8 year Member of the Planning Board was to spend 2 hours 45 minutes with the FBI handing over information he had assembled and pleading for them to do something about the situation in Chester.

But that was before 9/11, and at a time when the word hawalah had not been heard by SlingShot, nor anyone he associated with. The astounding amounts of money that were apparently changing hands with no record of the transactions, could not be accounted for. The FBI's position seemed to be, "If we could just find the smoking check..." They are still working on it, now in Iraq or somewhere like that and with similar success, but they're not saying exactly where.

In any case, the only things that SlingShot learned beyond a reasonable doubt at the time (aside from the fact that FBI field agents are really the nicest sorts, and nothing like their movie counterparts) were: Noel Spencer (now County legislator) is certainly a lying sack of shit (and probably a racist), Cindy Smith (still Town Board Member) is a distracted clock watcher, Bill Tully (still Town Supervisor) is an imbecilic moron who has not a clue, nor nearly as much as a word of say in the events around him. He couldn't even institute the most basic of employee reviews at the Town Hall, choosing instead to say, "You don't understand. That won't work here. Everybody here knows each other."

The remaining sour souls who were Town Board members at the time (and maybe still are) were all functional illiterates who could not read simple English.

But all that is just another whole long story. It is only marginally being reported here after the recent elections due to the fact that reporting it before the elections would have had the exact same effect, which is to say none, because the true culprits identified way back when (and this surely remains true today) is the general public who allows people they know absolutely nothing about to stand in public halls and claim to be their representatives. Of course, that's not everybody in Chester, because significantly less than a quarter of the residents found it even worth their time to bother to vote. SlingShot was in the forefront of those NOT voting, having decided without question that the concept of governing bodies having any relevance whatsoever is as quaint as the Geneva Conventions.

Under these circumstances, it is odd that Noel may be heard to call himself a "winner," having bested his opponent by only 30 votes.

Otherwise, only two people exhibited any competence at all way back at the time of SlingShot's resignation.

The first was the Town Engineer, Phil Salerno, who was removed from office the very week after SlingShot had his face to face with the FBI. He was removed not by the FBI but by the DEC for his fudging of sewer district numbers. Ironically, he was removed from his position as Town Engineer but was allowed to keep his job as head of the Moodna Sewer District. Probably the DEC gave him a break, because they were mortified at having taken so long to realize what everyone else had known for some time. The guy is  an accomplished crook.

Soon after, when SlingShot was told, "things have changed at the Town Hall," he reminded the person telling him that the Engineer's actions had never been based on his authority,  so it was doubtful that taking away his authority was going have any affect on his actions.

The only other competence shown was by Ben Ostrer, Town Attorney, who had fully mastered the art of making absolutely certain no competition in the least existed for his development business, which was partnered with the Town Engineer and some of the Town Board Members. He did it by assuring that a draconian conformance to the most stringent interpretation of building codes was applied to all outsiders (read: made it expensive), while not even a letter of the law was applied to his own projects—which, by the way, were pretty clearly subsidized by citizen tax dollars in addition to their hawalah earnings.

SlingShot has been told by a reliable source that a document exists in the NYS Attorney General's Office in which Benny states, "I am not now, nor ever have been Town Attorney for the Town of Chester." Last heard, he has also become Attorney for the Town of Warwick, which explains a lot of the stuff one sees going on over there.

SlingShot would have more information about all this, but Elizabeth Reilly the Town Clerk (who remains in office today, having run as unopposed as Paul), made sure SlingShot never received a single shred of paperwork (Freedom of Information Act be damned) after his resignation...despite his asking her three (3) times the moment before submitting his letter of resignation, whether regular citizens were allowed the same access to the documents as he was currently enjoying. She said, "Yes, absolutely," but after his resignation SlingShot was of course denied access to public documents just like all the other schmuks in Town.

Actually, SlingShot made his final decision to resign the moment the Town Clerk pulled him aside and whispered, "You should be careful. Really, if your position on the Planning Board is important to you, you should be careful about what you are doing."

Of course, any sane individual would have had to resign on the spot just as SlingShot did, so as to better continue doing what needed to be done. Especially considering the number of people who had told SlingShot they were scared for their physical well being, and they had previously considered him one of those to be afraid of, since his name was found on Town documents. Turns out SlingShot is scared too, but he is suicidal, so it evens out.

For perspective, SlingShot still has 41 e-mails saved from discussions between himself and Chester Pete about the events occurring round and about SlingShot's resignation at the time it took place, and SlingShot remembers fondly his involvement with Chester Pete as the high point of that period.

Scares you don't it? It should.

The political process does not require excellence of its participants and gets exactly what it asks for.

Editor's Second Note: SlingShot only chose Upper-Wussville instead of Wussville because if repeated many times over, and real slow, it begins to read: Up Her Wuss ville. Sorry for reporting like the Times Herald Record.


ELECTION RESULTS: Dangerous Dan Sullivan has pointed out an omission on the American Road Cycling web site. Apparently, we forgot to post the results of recent local elections. Dan reports that Paul Latrine was elected Mayor of Upper-Wussville, Grant Salter is still Town Clerk, Humberto Cavalheiro remains the First Citizen in charge of Signature Security. Paul ran unopposed, and nobody has contested any of the results. When pressed for comment, Paul said, "Meeow?" [Ghost written by: Dangerous Dan Sullivan, cub reporter and Super Haley's friend.]


NECK AND NECK: Kevin "Bastard" Haley's car was seen neck and neck with "Twin" George Meyer's car in the Big V parking lot at the end of this morning's Hump. If I had my camera, it would have been an American Road Cycling photo finish.


NEW MEMBER: American Road Cycling is proud to announce the annexation of another unwary.

Terry Bowden submitted his membership form along with comment. That makes four people who have now actually gone out of their way to join online, as appoesed to those whom SlingShot has pasted into the database himself, after taking their names out of the local phone book unbeknownst to them. Which holds some irony, because this site is on the verge of being shut down out of necessity due to the incredible number of hits it has been getting.


AGENT'S COVER BLOWN: Book delivered by Grant Salter! Internal investigation as to who leaked this information is currently ongoing. Oh, that's right. It was SlingShot again. Never mind.


A FEW GOOD WORDS: Nuclear Dan Buckley just sent the following:

Hi Bob:
Came in 1st in age group on Sundays Race.

A man of few words, but you can tell he's excited, because he didn't even take the time to sign off with his standard, "alrightythan."

However, even though Dan worked on this little endeavor for the last few months/years, Slingshot is taking all the credit for so judiciously slowing down the pace on Saturday's Rump and keeping blinders on Dan when motorcycles, sports cars, etc went past. [see: RACE CARD below]

Good thing Dan made his mark. In a few more years he'll be old enough to ride with the retirees, read: full time cyclists.


THIS LITTLE RIDE OF OURS: What with all the CRACK pandering, omerta has apparently been breached. Let's all get our little rubber duckies out, because the blood bath is about to be run.

To get up to speed before the Kill Bill style blood geysers erupt all over the place, see 10/30/05 CRACK HABIT REVEALED, then 11/05/05 CRACK HABIT DENIED.

What's that you were saying Dangerous? Oh yeah, Kevin Haley will probably want to get up to speed faster than the rest of us. Alternatively, he may apply for the American Road Cycling witness protection program. Of course an application to enter is automatic grounds for denial.

There, that cleanses American Road Cycling's hands of the matter. Pass me another mattress.


BOOTY AND THE CUTIE: Before this morning's Hump, Jim Amels cooked us up a bunch of pancakes and such at a youth group fund raiser in Goshen. The best part was getting to meet Keith Libutti's girlfriend, whom we have become over tired of hearing about how, "She's so cool. She's just so cool...squeal, giggle." Now that we've all met her, maybe Keith will give us a break and turn off the constant chatter about how cool she is. Here's the odd thing. Turns out she is cool.

RACE CARD: Nuclear Dan Buckley is racing tomorrow, so some of us did the Rump to make sure he didn't get triggered and blow all his cookies (pancakes) before the big race. Of course, it wasn't long before the race card was played. "Slow down. Don't forget tomorrow is race day." Ironically (or not), it wasn't Dan who played the card but SlingShot who kept getting in front on the hills and slowing everybody down under the pretense of "helping out Dan."

CRACK HABIT DENIED: Dangerous Dan Sullivan is publishing a full denial of what was reported last week on this web site about his crack habit. [see: 10/30/05, CRACK HABIT REVEALED, on the Old "New"s page].

Dan says he did not crack on last week's Hump. He denies it, calls us on it, and raises us a COMMONS CRACK. He says that last Sunday Paul and Liz went to the Commons, and the traffic was so bad that Paul cracked, left his car in the parking lot, and walked to the filling station to call Humberto to come pick them up. Apparently Jen did just that.

This was reported to Jimmy Nails and Mary Ellen, who told Kevin, who told Dan, who got back to me with it. Guess this is full circle considering how the Crack Habit rumor itself got passed around like a joint.

When Dan got back to Paul about his Common's Crack, Paul said, "I did not crack. That is not a crack." To which Dan responded, "Just the mere going to the Commons on a Sunday is a crack."

We report, you decide. American Road Cycling refuses to get involved in Paul's shenanigans.

LOOKIE LIEU: Look what Don Stark got to replace his SUV mangled Colnago. He's had that look on his face ever since the big wreck.

Sunday, 11/05/05, at The Black Widow's desk.
The frame was purchased from Dark Horse Cycles.

After Don showed us the frame, we ran into Terry Bowden just outside our door. We didn't know him then, but we had him pick up the frame. He said it was light, that Seven makes great bikes, and he'd just been on a bike ride himself. I asked, "Hump?" He said, "Yes!" I said, "You wouldn't happen to be the guy we saw way out in front of Lynn's group at the cross roads before the camel farm?" He replied, "Yep, that was me."

Small bike world.

Oh yeah. I almost forgot. Kevin Haley wasn't at the Hump today. But Joe Straub was seen out in front of the front group pulling them again. Then Scott was most definitely first back into the parking lot. Fast Jimmy claimed he had himself done the whole ride pretending to be with the front group, while in fact he had spent most of the ride cramped and in dire straights.

Well Jimmy, there's not enough pretense in the world to keep most of us with the front group...under any circumstances. The actual finishing with the front group, cannot in all honesty be called "pretending" to be with the front group. Just ask SlingShot, he'll be able to tell you what real pretending is all about. First off, you have to start at least a half hour before the front group leaves the parking lot, then make a quick little attack the moment they catch you a little over a half hour later. Then you have to drop right off the back and be done with it.

In any case, riding the full ride with the front group is not really pretending. We don't care how much riding you haven't been doing.

Did I remember to mention Kevin Haley?




RACE RESULTS: This just in. Nuclear Dan Buckley finished 6th in his age group for the Mt. Man race 10/30/05. Of course, that's not near good enough for him, but we are all pretty impressed.


PAGE 1: Woke up this morning, checked in at Google.

Voilá! Page 1, no quotes. Big coup for American Road Cycling, though we don't much care. many of you people have ever done this? Now I think I'll let it drop back to around page 25. That way I don't have to keep trying to think of every possible excuse to put the phrase American Road Cycling on the home page—but may instead refocus on how many times I can mention Kevin Haley.




CRACK HABIT REVEALED: American Road Cycling has just learned from an anonymous source (Kevin Haley through Jimmy and Mary Ellen to Paul) that Dangerous Dan has a crack habit.

It was revealed as he cracked big-time again on yesterday's Hump. American Road Cycling is sorry to hear about it, but glad for the opportunity to put the term American Road Cycling on the Home Page a couple more times.

We have now risen (again) to the middle of page three for Google returns with no quotes for American Road Cycling, not that we care. Except it pisses off those who hate us.

One of the terms for putting all these American Road Cycling instances on the home page is meta-jacking. It doesn't always work, and shouldn't ever work. However, if a real human at Google ever happens to take a look here, they'll know this ain't bullshit and let it go.

Of course, if you put quotes around your search, we are at the tippity top as it should be. The secret there is that nobody else in the world cares enough about American Road Cycling to even put the phrase just once anywhere on a web site.


KEVIN HALEY WINS AGAIN: American Road Cycling is proud to present this little video snippet of Kevin Haley winning once again in his very own and particularly inimitable Kevin Haley style. We have all seen Kevin practicing this move many times over. It appears the person he beats is not so thoroughly practiced.

This video comes by way of Dr. Art, who received it as a non-credited e-mail attachment, so any leads to the source would allow American Road Cycling to complete passing back payment to wherever payment is due for the usage. In any case,


We can only assume the video shows Kevin Haley beating Chester Pete, though it is a little hard to see if this is at the end of the Hump or just on the Heritage Trail. Plus the crowd noise may have masked CP's customary, "Oh, Fuck Me!"

In any case, that's four point five mentionings of Kevin Haley (now 5.5) plus the video, so this should be (all tolled) more than enough to please him. But just in case: KEVIN HALEY.

And never mind about helping track down the source of the video. SlingShot is a genius and quickly found it. Therefore,  a link to the original publication is now provided, as apposed to that brief moment when American Road Cycling had to rip-off the file to post it.




BLAST: This comes from an anonymous source, because Hernando told me not to mention his name, but we were just having a conversation with an undisclosed person about the sad state of affairs regarding how slow Paul has become lately. This unnamed person said, "Well, it sure ain't like it was when Paul was leader of the CompuNerds and started bringing every vagabond in Middletown to club rides!"

There. I did that without even mentioning Hernando as the source. I am proud of myself.


TURN BACK TIDE: Looks like the tide is already turning regarding BEST USE. [see below, then USE IT OR LOSE IT just above that]

American Road Cycling just received the following from Kevin (Godzirra) Hetzel.

I am attempting to be Paul's first Guru sale, so I will be making my way up there at least 1 more, maybe 2 more times this season. When do you guys go to FLA, and how late in the fall/winter do you ride?

PS: Custom Guru Chrono for Iron Man in Florida and local TT circuit will be the new ride.

Kevin (zirra)

Editor's Note: Like Colin Powell  said when asked when the bombing in Iraq would stop and the ground war begin (Gulf War I), "The bombing stop? The bombing never stops."

So Kevin, the riding never stops, especially if Zirra's coming up. However, we will be leaving for FLA sometime around the New Year and are taking the ride down there with us.

BTW: I just saw another pick-up truck littered with American flags and sayings. It looked just like the American Road Cycling site! In support of the guy's bumper sticker, "PROUD TO BE AN AMERICAN," American Road Cycling would like to relay our whole hearted agreement. If he's listening: "We do in fact totally agree that you are proud to be an American. You've made it abundantly clear. We are just not very sure how proud we are to have you as an American." -SlingShot


BACK IN THE HIGH LIFE AGAIN: American Road Cycling is now once again back on the bottom of page three for Google searches requesting American Road Cycling without quotes. Maybe one more mention of American Road Cycling on this page will finally put us back where we belong on page one for American Road Cycling returns. Not that we care much, but not bad for 2,440,000 returns. Guess you like American Road Cycling, you really, really...

Oh yeah, almost forgot. Kevin Haley.


USE IT OR LOSE IT: (this already in response to BEST USE below)

I am very interested in the most recent news on your web site. [see: BEST USE below] The Coors Light Serotta patio lounger has awakened my hopes to the possibility that I can get a Serotta HUFFY recliner, and/or love seat for my living room. Can you please contact Paul, and ask him if they're out there? I would volunteer my own Serotta for this purpose, but as you know, I've already converted it into a wind chime. You should have heard it when the remnants of Katrina blew through here two weeks ago! Also, please ask him if Ottrot table lamps are available.

Editor's Note:  Sorry, we have no way of contacting Paul and wouldn't do so, even if we could...too fucking aggravating. But you can catch him yourself on a ride. It is getting easier and easier to do.


BEST PRACTICES: SlingShot has intimated that he will not be upgrading to the newest version of some of the computer software he is using. He said, "Why should I upgrade? The stuff I have is already not doing what it's supposed to. I doubt the new version is going to be that much worse."


BEST USE: Really, nothing compares with Serotta cycles. They are so useful. However, looks like Paul has finally come to his senses and will be taking on other lines. Of course, if Paul sells it, we are going to be buying it...and vice a versa. Looks like Seven, Guru, along with all the Velomax wheels Paul and Grant can get their handy little hands on, as they expand to take over Gotham.

The Bike World has been wooing Paul like the only skirt in town.

Somebody best get on the stick over at Serotten, and try to keep the boy's interest. Otherwise, we are all going to be doing the same thing with our Serottas. I already promised LaBooty he can make a hooka outa both my Ottrotts. Well, Ben did have a good run though, didn't he.


CLARIFICATION: regarding the 10/18/05 Thanks, Dr. Art writes:

Although it is true I said, "I wish it was still raining" ... this quote came later. Actually, as Joe turned the screw a little tighter on Pumpkin Swamp, up to say 30 miles per hour, I took a breath and in my best non-suffering voice stated, "I see the elms are starting to change their colors." Next, when Joe got up to 32.5, I said, to mask my lactate threshold, "I wish there was a way to check my e-mails right now, I haven't heard from Kevin Haley recently." [It's actually been a couple of years.] Then Joe got up to 35 mph; and, in a last desperate attempt to mask my now cramping hamstrings, I said, "Is our average speed up to 17 yet?" It was at the now documented speed of 38 that I went to ask Joe for a "light of my smoke" (with a perfunctory chuckle) that I dropped off the pace and vomited on the side of the road.
Just wanted to clarify,

Editor's Note:  American Road Cycling still prefers to state the speed as "40 mph," and does not consider it an exaggeration to be doing so, because SlingShot himself can easily maintain that pace. He just goes a lot slower while he's doing it.




Thanks: For the tailwind coming home on Pumpkin Swamp that assured Dr. Art (whom we now call "Artie" in deference to "Chester Pete" who likes his own nom equally well) got not dropped by Joe Straub til Joe had topped 40 mph—and at the very moment Art finally thought he was going to be hanging on. Art said, "I wish it was still raining."

As usual, Kevin Haley will be glad we mentioned his name.


Drive By: American Road Cycling stopped by Stinkature Silos this morning to pick up a couple books which Paul just finished pursuant to the American Road Cycling study which is code named "Fit For Kings" but is formally titled E=mcpoppycock? Paul is currently working on his PhD (Doctor of Phitology), while Grant has almost completed his BS (Bachelor of Schmoozence).

The Black Widow has now begun working through the books, and as a bonus at our visit we got to see Kevin Hetzel (Godzilla) being fit for a new tri bike.

Paul was wondering why American Road Cycling seemed in such a hurry to leave, forgetting that we never bother him during a fitting.

American Road Cycling's position has always been the same as Dr. Art's the time he asked Mary, "Where's SlingShot?" And was told, "He went over to pick up my bike at Paul's. You can phone him there." Artie's response, "Oh, I couldn't call there! Paul's phone is like the Bat Phone." ...and it is.

But it turns out Kevin is a VIP (more like family), so he gets the customary drop in level of service. He's at the point where LoS becomes LOL. Therefore, nobody cared we got all conversational and shit.

In any case two new titles have been added to the now famous Bibliography, and Grant was hiding way back in Jimmy Nail's Cubby Hole tightening some spokes on sumpn' er nother.

Oh yeah, I almost forgot. Kevin Haley always likes it when we mention his name...but we ain't gonna do it!

Also, Chester Pete has been upgraded to Rider of the Month, because it's raining.


- American Road Cycling Rider of the Week -
Chester Pete, (thanks to a tip from Dr. "Artie" Art Donohue)


- American Road Cycling Rider of the Week -
Dr. "Artie" Art Donohue (thanks to a tip from Chester Pete)


Wondering: What happened to E=mcpoppycock? Here's why you don't want to know.


Word Has It: At last weeks big bicycle show in Las Vegas, Paul and Grant were signing so many autographs, Grant absent mindedly signed a hot-dog handed to him by a vendor. Paul ate it anyway. American Road Cycling is just glad this didn't take place in the men's room!


The Big Push at Washingtonville: Rich Cruet, The Bicycle Doctor gave SlingShot a good long push on the Brotherhood Winery tour, up the good long climb in Cornwall after coming back down from West Point. Therefore, American Road Cycling is awarding Rich a special American Road Cycling Home Page link to his ride: The Grind. Oh, hell, why not, we'll give another link, or two. He deserves it. SlingShot ain't light like a Trek, you know? Double hell, why not?

We are giving Rich his own complementary page!


Today's Hump Breakaway Report

Taking the sprint was Joe Straub, after being helped along by Mountain Bike Mike Maher, Kevin Haley (the once and current BASTARD), and Kevin Kielty, President of Skylands Cycling.

American Road Cycling strongly suggests that each and every person on planet earth should immediately join Skylands Cycling.

Dem guys is fast, and the real deal. Very much NOT like your little American Road Cycling charade.

However, you should have seen Mountain Bike Mike's face as he was pulling the breakaway up Iron Mike's Hill, and the jet lagged Paul Latrine pushed SlingShot past them.

The secret was Paul, SlingShot, and the Black Widow leaving the parking lot a good 45 minutes early. Still, you should have seen Mike's face. Of course, Bob saw it only briefly before blowing. He should have taken a picture, it would have lasted longer.


Paul and Grant should be back from Las Vegas and Deli Sub Detox pretty soon. Meanwhile the Black Widow has been waking up every morning and pacing until its late enough to call every magazine rack on the East Coast looking for October's Inc. Magazine, which is reported to have her ass in it, right next to Paul's, well actually Paul's face I guess, but American Road Cycling cannot discern a difference. Apparently as soon's the rag hit rock bottom by interviewing Paul, they went partially belly up. In the best interests of all those who care, American Road Cycling should probably stop having anything to do with Paul, before it's too late.

Here, look what Bob did in his spare time.


Back in Business: Well, the Maniacs are back in business—just like it ever was. Rich had his glorious green Irish jersey on an' everthin'. Ever the gentleman, Larry let Mary take the top of Demarest, or so the story goes.

SlingShot himself could have been there had he wanted, but he was just hanging back, biding his time, and making friends with Brian (his future lead out) who will be pulling him back and past the crowd soon enough.

Of course the Blaster wore his American Road Cycling Ridgebury Prime jersey off the front and almost out of sight, which was surprising since he didn't have Nuclear Dan to chase.

Maybe the Thursday Round Hill School ride (or Alternate with double dip) should start up again.

Brian has now officially beaten Mat on three rides this month. Brian rode them, Mat didn't...that's good enough for us.


Rain Date - Special Ride Event: Because their big Monday come-back ride was rained out, the Maniacs will now appear Wed, 4:30 pm in Sugar Loaf. We are thinking everyone will thoroughly enjoy Kain Road.



Don "The Starkmeister" Stark, on being reminded of Bob's bike still hanging on the wall at Paul's while awaiting the arrival of the mythical 180 lb SlingShot, interjects, "Well, you are the stuff of legends, but that just follows the old saying, You can't have your Ottrott and ride it too."


Special Ride Event: The Maniacs at Stop & Shop, Washingtonville, Monday, 09/26/05, 5:00 pm. See you all on Heart Attack Hill.


Godzilla finishes his first Hump with American Road Cycling and says, "SCREECH...SCREECH ...Whoooosh! Wow!" [Translation: "Ridgebury sucks!"


American Road Cycling says, "Duh?!...hello!?
[afterwards: Grant Salter Comments]
[after that: Godzilla Comments]


Nuclear Dan's Ballard regarding the American Road Cycling article: E=mcpoppycock


Godzilla scheduled to fire up American Road Cycling on the Hump this Saturday, 09/24/05!


Iron Mike Race Results: This just in from Dr. Art, "Mike Norton finished 16th at the Univest Grand Prix on Saturday, that is a huge result." American Road Cycling assumes nobody missed Dr. Art's Interview of Iron Mike, so we do not need to mention that American Road Cycling has once again scooped the cycling world's lesser reporting organizations.


The return of the Maniacs: Well, Brian at least...for all of you who have been asking about him. After a long hiatus, he hooked up with American Road Cycling for a reprise of the Monday night ride (wearing a Joe Fix It's jersey purchased just for the occasion) and made SlingShot and the Black Widow hurt plenty—just like the old days. Can the rest of the Maniacs be far behind Brian? They usually were. American Road Cycling is sorry to announce that everybody except Kevin Haley and Joe Straub will soon be moving down at least one position on the Hump.


Today's Hump Breakaway Report

Finishing with the front group: Mike (not Iron but racing tomorrow), another Mike (not Iron but race schedule unknown), Kevin Haley, and Joe Straub.

American Road Cycling is not sure of the order of finish, which pretty much confirms that the results of the Hump are always just as good as so called Official Races, such as the Harriman Race in which Joe Straub clearly finished 8th (more or less) but received a DNF, because bike races apparently cannot get it together to track results with computer chips in the way even most third grader sack races are confirmed.

American Road Cycling is sure, however, that the second group with Jim "Blaster" Amels, etc. was nowhere in sight when the first group hit the Sharon Line, and they were nowhere in sight for several (maybe even a dozen) minutes afterward.

American Road Cycling cannot report the average speed of the breakaway, because nobody mentioned it. Besides, the lie they would tell could never be big enough to make the outrageous lie the second group tells seem possible.

While waiting for the full description to be written, Kevin Haley is requested to go to the American Road Cycling Home Page and pull his browser's ribbon down so the Hit Counter is centered on his screen, then hit his refresh button several times and watch the number change.

Cool, huh?

Also, anybody knowing the last names (and a little info about) the two Mikes should please inform American Road Cycling so Slingshot doesn't have to continue looking like such a total fucking asshole for not knowing.




Dr. Art Interviews Iron Mike Norton for American Road Cycling. Read Mike's answers to: 15 Easy Pieces.


Special Apology to Lynn Meyer: Recently American Road Cycling was informed that a photo of Lynn had appeared in a local newspaper. On seeing the photo, American Road Cycling's first thought was, "My how large Lynn's ass has grown," but soon realized it was not Lynn's ass but one of the gentlemen who were riding with her. American Road Cycling would like to apologize for assuming Lynn's ass could ever get so large. We should know better.




American Road Cycling has it on good authority that Joe Straub actually finished 8th in the Harriman Race (09/11/05), but the photofinisher lost site of his number behind another rider and he was listed as DNF on the web site. Dr. Art was there and saw it happen.

This reminds us of The Black Widow's first race in which she won the 3,4,5's at Sussex after having driven home an hour before the race began. She immediately retired from racing undefeated.

Therefore, Joe's 8th Place finish constitutes an Official American Road Cycling race result, because if anybody cares to call Dr. Art a liar on this point, I will personally take them out back and kick the shit out of them.

Signed, SlingShot

BTW: This also reminds us that we have been told elsewhere that when Joe was racing afoot, people would say, "Joe Straub's here today. Who do you think is going to come in second?"


Correct Cycling (E=mcpoppycock)


Heard numerous times on today's Hump

"Well Kevin...had enough yet? Should I finish you off now?"
- Jim 'Blaster' Amels

Other Hump Happenings

"I would have responded, but I thought it was a truck passing too close, so I just pulled over, cowered my head, and coasted," said Slingshot after being passed by Patrick and Dangerous Dan who were chasing each other at about 96 mph just before the finish line.

Just ask Hernando. He was lightly spinning his warm-down right behind them.

Patrick only beat Dan by a few hundredths of several seconds. However, Dan tried his best, which is the really important thing.

SlingShot was on the Jump which is the Hump, but it starts 30 to 45 minutes earlier when he refuses to come back from his warm-up—allowing SlingShot to be in position to see things like the finish reported above. Also the Jump sometimes provides a single opportunity for him to slingshot past the AA's and harass them just the right amount before dropping off the back.

Also Heard Numerous Times

"Fuck me!" - CP


Correct Cycling Revealed



Before everybody on the Wednesday night club ride comes back and gets all bent out of shape about the two dead Copperheads (one on Ridge Road just before the turn onto Hambletonian, the other at the bottom of Pines Hill), we just rode by them, and I stopped to check 'em out for American Road Cycling.

Northern Water Snakes NOT Copperheads. I even turned them over to check for the little red crescents. Also, one of them still had its eyes...definitely not cat eyed. For context and review see the Copper Head Sighting series.



Mary Ellen takes the bait, and agrees to another Lance specific $10 dollar bet.

SlingShot (President of American Road Cycling) bet against Lance again, this time against his avowed retirement.

Then after that (this morning, 09/07/05) The Black Widow found a note at MSNBC about how Lance is currently still training with his team and no replacement has been made.

SlingShot hopes to comment only, "Needer, needer, needer," but is waiting for an actual race...which must happen within the year. Since he's already lost $20 bucks betting against Lance, he ain't counting this chick till it's hatched.

Still SlingShot maintains there are mountain's Lance has yet to particular Lance has never won the pretigious American Road Cycling sanctioned Ridgebury Prime.


"He rides in Harriman?...without even toe clips?"

The quote above was repeated numerous times by Paul Latrine re: Libutti as he could not be dropped but helped pull the Black Widow to her personal best on the Silence of the Lambs.

[18.8 raw avg - However, Blaster was over 19, and Nuclear Dan doesn't keep track of such things, especially when he is too scared to show up for the ride. Libutti is now officially one of the Orange Crush Pussy Boys. Somebody get him a jersey...and some toe clips. Can Brand New Bruce becoming a real cyclist be far off? Also Mo is hereby Officially Fully Credentialed to appear at all rides, no matter how fast they are prepublished to be.]


Same ol' same ol'. Nothin' new.



Frankypanky DiPasquale submits a Membership Form in order to add his name to the Membership List and make his ass whuppings of Nuclear Dan Buckley OFFICIAL.

Will Harriman ever be the same? Probably not for Dan. On the other hand, American Road Cycling now enjoys six riders fielded by Van Natta: Frank, Mo, Dan, Bruce, Libutti, and the Blaster.

Can the Van Natta Death Match with Godzilla of KA Builders be far behind?

BTW: Paul Latrine likes to have his name mentioned, even if he hasn't done anything notable.



Big Bianche kicks SlingShot's big fat ass on the Hump. Request the brutal details using the American Road Cycling Query Form.



Orange Crush Pussy Boy Poem



Nuclear Dan responds to cheating scandal.



The much ballyhooed and long awaited Death Match between Godzilla and the Black Widow was completed this morning.

Click Here for Results



Nuclear Dan Buckley accused of CHEATING!

Although Dan Buckley has often lodged complaint against the American Road Cycling Average Mileage Regulation, Jim "Blaster" Amels, the leader of the Orange Crush Pussy Boys, has extended a current investigation into general malfeasances throughout the cycling world and noted that Dan has been taking his own ride average, dividing it into the mileage of the ride, making a conversion to minutes and seconds, then logging it as an "actual time" ridden. Dan maintains personal records back to 1999 in this manner. For example, he'll take his 14 mph avg for the 36 mile Harriman/Tuxedo loop then state, "I did Harriman in 2:34.2," while pretending he looked at his watch.

Mr. Amels has himself been accused of using a weaponized Venison Cutlet Gas to slow down SlingShot and Brand New Bruce on the most recent Tiorati climb, so little credence is being given to this report.



American Road Cycling is providing do overs, take backsies, and re-rides for anybody who has ever been beaten by Paul Latrine.

The Orange Crush Pussy Boys recently conducted their own independent investigation and found a trash bag of Paul's piss (dated 1999) that was full of bullshit.

Everybody at American Road Cycling pretty much assumed as much, so the next round of Paulie Girl Smack Downs is on us, because we didn't do enough to let everybody else know about it.



FLASH: Godzirra finishes Tour de Goshen (almost) with the FRONT GROUP.

Details soon!

In the meantime: Who is Godzilla?



Tour de Goshen Start Time



Special Note for Paul Latrine



"Sir, Yes SIR!"




It has come to the attention of American Road Cycling that people have actually been training for this year's Tour de Goshen!

It has been said that even Dr. Art will use his favorite Bronze Age tire iron to pluck the mothballs from out his butt hole in order to plug one of his E-Bay special white bike seats back into it. A classic!

Before beginning this race (sorry...ride), competitors (sorry...participants) must review all four American Road Cycling Regulations.

As always, reviewing the other American Road Cycling Rules is optional.

Illegals should carefully read paragraphs two and three of the American Road Cycling Membership Requirements.

All those who have not yet tendered their membership fees may take this opportunity to do so, but be sure to review Jimmy Nails' Resignation in order to better understand how fees are assessed.

Otherwise, see you all (sorry...briefly) at the Tour de Goshen Sunday, Aug 21.

Crazy Mike will be sure to meet SlingShot on the appointed climb as always.



Follow-up to Paul Latrine's gentle request, "Grant, get your ass back into Jimmy Nails' cubby hole, and start putting together that next Ottrott."

Click here for full article.


Overheard on today's Hump at the very beginning of the sprint

Anonymous Youth: "This is the sprint, right?"

Kevin Haley: "Yes, it is."

Anonymous Youth: "So...who do I have to look out for?"

Kevin Haley (with a sly sideways glance): "Me."

Anonymous Youth: "You!? But you got gray hair!"

Kevin Haley: ZOOM!

Well at the least the kid got a second place finish. Pretty impressive for a youngster whose hair hasn't even grown in right yet.



Ill advised comment
"Dan, back off the pace a little. Paul's tired."

Inevitable result


American Road Cycling is currently missing from Google's page 1 returns if quotes are not used in the search. Most likely last week's water main break causing the 2 day American Road Cycling web site outage was coincidental with the Google bot checking in to see if we still exist. We could advise on how to get the listing back up to the top level returns, but it will be more interesting to see how quickly the Google bot catches the problem and fixes it on its own. You may have already noticed the Internet is not quite perfect.


Godzilla promises an appearance on the The Hump, with slightly less fanfare than Evil Knieval's Snake River Canyon jump and possibly on the 20th.


Scott Macmillin bridges to catch the front group and finish The Hump for a personal best 23.4


Hump Measurement System becomes Law


Special bootleg prerelease photo from Inc. Magazine interview with Paul Latrine [later ran as an American Road Cycling "Today's Special"]


Godzilla Destroys Lake Placid


Stinkature Silos Employee of the Month


Fifth in a (split) FIVE Part Series
#19   #20   #21  #22  #24


Anthony Defeo's nom has been upgraded by Dangerous Dan Sullivan. Therefore, Chuckie must now also answer to Tony the Target.




Urgent Notice to Dr. Art & Joe Straub

Your secret weapon has been revealed. Do the words High Vista Drive ring a bell. Shame on you for keeping it to yourselves. Don't worry, we won't tell anybody.


Paparazzi catches Prez off  guard

with update photo added: 07/23/05


We had Paul and Liz drive up Kain to compare it to this year's Etape du Tour race.

They both had driven the French course after the race, and they report Kain is steeper. Paul reports the big climb on the Etape was like the second part of the big hill off 208 coming North out of Washingtonville on the Silence of the Lambs ride--only it went on for 2.5 hours. Even the Hors Categorie climb was less steep than Kain.

Though the Hors Categorie climb had moments as steep as Kain, none of those moments lasted nearly as long as Kain. Paul and Liz also report the ice cream is better at the top of Kain.


 SHOCKING! American Road Cycling Member RESIGNS!


Fourth in a FOUR Part Series
#19   #20   #21  #22


Special Note to Lynn Myer: Yes, that is a direct quote from Paul in the "How did Frenchy Latrine do" article. Also, the Mary Endico quote is exceedingly precise. Just ask your Twin about the Gu Gel episode.

07/15¾ /05

Special Note to Mary Ellen: Yes, to you too. That is Paul's picture on the Etape, and yes the quote in "How did Frenchy Latrine do" is a copy of what he e-mailed us. And yes those are true statistics from the race, only 186 Americans, etc. Geez people, do you really think I could make this shit up.


Dan Sullivan asks, "How did Frenchy Latrine do?"


Dear Spin Bitch - the first ever publication of Sharon Giannino's proposed training guide column, along with the re-publication of Bob Fugett's SlingShot articles.


Joe Straub wins Ridgebury Prime Jersey for 1st Place Finish in the First Annual Straub's Fitness Time Trial—tough 18 mile course, 21.7 avg. Think you can beat him? There's always next year.


Paul is off to France with his American Road Cycling jersey for that humongous race on a Stage of the Tour de France. There he will gorge on his favorite dish—Frog legs—in his favorite manner. He rips them off, then spins up the climb looking for more.


To the gentleman so desperately trying to stay off the front of today's Unionville ride

When two women go spinning past you on the last 20 yards of a long climb while chatting about their hair cuts and nail treatments, the official American Road Cycling term for that is: GIRL POWER.



No, No...really. This story isn't about ME. I'm telling YOU! - Mary Endico


Frank Guarnuccio Signs Up for Mission after Follow-up To Re: Chuckie's Mission



Paul Latrine fits a famous dickwad!



New Photo of the Prez



Kevin Haley sucks! Yeah, ok. So he placed 1st and 4th in the state in some big whoop-de-do NJ he's been seen proudly wearing his American Road Cycling Ridgebury Prime jersey that he won for actually winning (some have won it for less)...we don't care. Kevin Haley sucks!



If you don't like American Road Cycling trash talk, simply pick up the pace until everybody around you is breathing too hard to talk.



"These pills are for during the ride. They replace your vitamins and vegetables or something." -Ken Olshansky

(Yes, he was an impromptu joke.)


3rd Place for Nuclear Dan Buckley in his
Harriman Race against many of the fastest
riders/runners in the Northeast. Details to follow.


 Godzilla on Knucklehead Hill - SlingShot


Ben Serotta's Big Debut in Road Rash Comics


This has been a test of the Emergency Broadcast Denial System. Had this been an actual shut down, you would NOT have been told about it. No more is to be said about the Local Club Taliban, as they have been punished enough. Actually, just being who they are is punishment enough...for now.


Dr. Art Comments on Timber Rattler Episode


Feedback Regarding the Copperhead Sighting




Finally: Quotes no longer needed to Google the words American Road Cycling. See the top of page 1. Thanks to everyone for clicking through!


Quotes from the Hump


INSIDER INFO: This will change everything!


this page last updated:
02/01/2015 10:38:51 PM

A Def Unc T Publication